EASEFUL THERAPY
for Weary Women
No one can accuse you of living an unexamined life. Quite the opposite, actually – you’ve examined every nook and cranny of your life and you’re feeling a bit disillusioned by it all.
FUNCTIONAL ≠ FULFILLED
Even though you are getting more of what you want in life…
…it's feeling less and less like you thought it would.
The quiet thrum of dissatisfaction is always under the surface of your outward happiness and success, and it's getting louder every day.
You feel like you’re looking at one of
those damn Magic Eye puzzles from elementary school –
staring at it for days and weeks and months and years,
straining to see the hidden image, but it just won’t come into focus.
It’s frustrating as hell, and you refuse to give up.
WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM?
take a card – any card
THE TRUTH IS, YOU NEED HELP.
You’ve spent a decade or two bootstrapping your self-help journey, and it’s not working anymore.
You need a therapist who can help you diverge your eyes (the key to Magic Eye puzzles FYI) and see things from a new perspective. Because THE PROBLEM isn’t in what you’re looking at, it’s in how you’re looking at it.
Let me lay out a scenario for you – and if it hits a little too close to home? Sorry not sorry – that's what I do.
IMAGINE
You, On Your First Day of Therapy:
Your alarm goes off and you hit snooze
because you’ve budgeted for at least two of those.
You’re tempted to sleep until the kids get up, but after imagining how your morning would go if you did (awful) vs if you get up now and get some shit done (...less awful), you stumble to the kitchen and #insertcoffee.
After dropping everyone off and resetting the house from Hurricane Wednesday Morning, you have just enough time to run through the drive-through at Starbucks and make it to my office at 9:57 for our 10 am session.
I come out to get you at 10:02 and once you settle into your spot on the couch, you begin to feel awkward; you’re not sure how to start.
It’s at that very moment that I ask, on purpose, the worst possible question:
“So - how are you feeling about being here?”
Your heart drops and you get all hot and tingly everywhere.
I KNOW YOUR
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET.
You use your brain to avoid your heart, talking about your feelings, without ever really feeling them.
Everyone else sees you as a deep thinker and a trusted confidant, but you’re silently screaming on the inside because you’re just not feeling the joy and contentment you’ve been striving for.
Very few people, if any, notice that about you.
You’re counting on the possibility that I can’t possibly know that yet, casually skip over my question and instead begin with:
My life feels like that Freaky Friday movie. I wake up every day wondering which version of me has control of the host body – is today a Jaime Lee Curtis day or a Lindsay Lohan day?
I’m intrigued and start asking you questions about these body-hijackers (different versions of you) and you start talking about the part of you that...
...is a pro at keeping your shit-to-damn-gether. She is the embodiment of discipline and attention to detail.
Sure, sometimes it feels like death-by-a-thousand-paper-cuts to be this responsible all the time, but isn’t your organization and dependability what people need from you? Give the people what they want!
When she’s in control, friends tease you about your obsession with planning and structure and family are frustrated with your demand strong preference for organization, but frankly, they rely on this part of you to keep their shit-to-damn-gether sometimes too. If they don’t want you to be so uptight all the time, maybe they should pack their own lunches and schedule their own dentist appointments. *just saying*
Miss Perfect
“Okay” I say, “So you’ve got this part of you that we’re calling ‘Miss Perfect’. Tell me about another version.”
“Well, on the opposite end of things,
there’s Miss Peaceful”, you say. She’s the part who...
... is the very embodiment of agreeableness. She can sense the unspoken desires and needs of others from a mile away.
And boy, does she love to please them. This part of you will bend over backward to accommodate others and create peace wherever she can. She's the one who will always say yes to everyone else's plans, even if it means canceling the ones you made with yourself.
In fact, the only person she doesn’t consider is, well, you. She'll happily put your needs on the back burner while she serves up a feast for everyone else. It's like watching a superhero, except her power is self-neglect. You don’t mind though – you stay afloat by secretly hoping for a little consideration in return someday.
Miss Peaceful
“Alright – so far. We’ve got ‘Miss Perfect’
and ‘Miss Peaceful’. Anyone else?”
“I don't know”, you say, “this is where it always gets
confusing, and I start going all over the place.”
“That’s alright”, I reassure you, “I can track with you – just try to
describe it as best you can.”
You talk for a while and I learn that on good days, these two parts of you work well together. Your inner Peacemaker anticipates the needs of others, and your inner Perfectionist has the organization to get that shit done – everyone around you is happy. Goal = made.
Until, that is, you daydream about living for yourself and not just a peacekeeping, executive-functioning presence for others.
Every time those thoughts arise, a civil war breaks out inside of you and it’s as confusing for you as it is for the people around you.
“I wonder if there might be another version of you here, under the surface” I say. “Not to be totally cliche, but tell me a little bit about you as a kid.”
And as I listen, I begin to see her – Little Miss Performer. She’s the part of you that...
...you can’t quite connect to, but you can feel her sometimes. Let me help you with her story a bit.
At 7 years old, you remember being a free-spirited, imaginative child who loved to be acknowledged and included by the adults around you. You were a born performer and would light up in the spotlight, whether it was singing, dancing, or being the A+ student in class. Your natural charm and charisma drew people in, and this part loved the attention you received for your talents.
But sometimes, life at home was loud. Angry voices behind closed doors, the sound of slamming doors and tires peeling out of the driveway. Foggy memories of your mother hugging you, vivid ones of wet spots on your shoulder and in your hair from her tears.
These incidents didn’t happen every day, but when they did, Little Miss Performer was scared and didn't know what to do. Whenever you could sense an argument brewing, you felt completely helpless and out of control.
Little Miss Performer
SLOWLY,
the Magic Eye puzzle of your inner civil war comes into focus.
Over the years, your mind created two protectors to ensure you would never feel that powerless, scared, and out of control again. Turns out, Miss Perfect and Miss Peaceful are little girls too – and they view themselves as your protectors.
Little Miss Perfect became the gatekeeper of the system, creating strict rules and order to prevent chaos from taking over. She believes that if the rules are followed and everything is planned out perfectly and executed flawlessly, then nothing can go wrong.
Little Miss Peaceful became the peacemaker inside of you, always trying to keep everyone around you calm and avoiding conflict at all costs. Her strategy is to compromise and accommodate others to prevent anyone from feeling upset or uncomfortable, which she believes will protect you from the same.
And free-spirited, imaginative Little Miss Performer? She’s stuck carrying all the old feelings from her parents’ arguments, tragically pushed out of your awareness all together by Little Miss Peaceful and Little Miss Perfect where they genuinely believe both she and you will be safe.
Little Miss Perfect
Little Miss Peaceful
“When you get all this back story – it makes sense, doesn’t it?” I say.
Without waiting for an answer, I continue on...
“The inner turmoil you’ve been feeling is the pressure and tension from all three parts competing for control over your attention, thoughts, feelings, and ultimately, your actions.
Unfortunately, despite their good intentions, they often bring about the very things they’re working hard to prevent. Their best attempts backfire and keep you from fully experiencing your day-to-day life and connecting with others on a deep level.
It’s not their fault though – they don’t mean to cause you any trouble. They’re a bunch of 7-year-olds, trying to do big things. The good news is, they are only stuck in these roles until Little Miss Performer can get what she needed at the time. Her unburdened desires are simple but profound: to be loved and cherished for who she is, needs and all. And you, my friend, are exactly who can give that to her.”
"So – see you next week?"
As you walk back to your car and your now-melted Starbucks (you realized you left it there as we walked back to my office, but weren’t sure if it was okay to run back out and get it), you have the first sigh of relief you've had in months:
YOU’RE NOT CRAZY OR FAILING – JUST DISCONNECTED FROM YOURSELF.
The reason you’ve never been able to break through any of this?
Because until five minutes ago, you didn’t even know these were just parts of you encountering understandable conflict with each other doing their jobs.
Re-working the relationship you have with parts like Little Miss Perfect and Little Miss Peaceful is the path to relief you’ve been searching for. But doing it on your own will just be more Magic Eye puzzles. These parts of you don’t know you’re not 7 years old anymore, they might be hesitant to trust you, and you don’t know how to connect to them...yet.
You need a guide.
Heyo – I'm Karissa
fellow MASH champion and former Magic Eye failure
I excel at working with women who are secretly miserable and confused about why because I’ve been there too.
I know what it’s like to want to burn the Magic Eye puzzle of your life - mostly because I used to want to burn the real ones. I would read my classmates lips to discern the answers to those optical illusions - I thought if I knew what I was supposed to be looking for, it would be easier to see. In hindsight, it actually made it harder, and it made me more frustrated, and less patient.
I found my guide to the Magic Eye illusion of my pseudo life misery (I wasn’t actually miserable, I just knew I didn’t feel the way I thought I would when all my MASH dreams came true) in Internal Family Systems therapy and since, have found a passion in sharing it with other women just like me.
In our relationship, your job is to be what you already are – the expert on yourself and your experiences.
My job is to be a calm and confident guest in your internal system –
a gentle guide who stays with you as you rework the relationship
you have with yourself, and by extension, others.
I will help you experience genuine compassion and curiosity toward the thoughts, feelings, impulses, and behaviors you've been so frustrated by (until now!). This helps those very things relax and creates space for you to become your own healer.
If becoming your own healer sounds a little woo-woo, I know. It did to me too. But, if it works, do we really care?
BEFORE & AFTER
Here’s what working with me using
Internal Family Systems therapy looks like:
Confused
You are easily lost inside your own mind - spinning out with possible explanations and solutions for everything. You can’t seem to figure out which of your feelings is the real feeling you have about something.
Clarity
Now you can distinguish competing/conflicting thoughts and feelings as parts of yourself, and you know and trust they have your best interest at heart. You have the confidence to work with them to address their concerns and meet their needs on your own or with me.
Critical
You have high standards for yourself and a lot of responsibilities in life and leave yourself little room for making mistakes. You expect others to be as considerate as you are, but it can result in lashing out or stonewalling when they aren’t.
Compassionate
For yourself and others. You can separate your productivity and responsibility from your worth, no longer fearing people are only connected to you for the role you fill in their life. It’s okay to not be everything to everyone all the time now – and that goes both ways.
Closed
You’re reactive and default to feelings like frustration, anger, resentment, and defensiveness when things aren’t going according to plan, or you get hurt (not that you’d ever admit that).
Open
You're finding it easier not to react so quickly and automatically. You can listen to yourself and others with curiosity and find this affords you more choice in your response.
Isolated
Between feeling like people don’t get it and despising how you hurt those you care about when your negative emotions break the surface, you find yourself withdrawing more and more from family, friends, community, and even hobbies and activities you used to enjoy.
Connected
You no longer avoid your difficult feelings and withdraw. Instead, you speak for parts of you that have been wounded. You find this has increased both the frequency with which your needs are well received by others and your ability to tend to your own vulnerabilities when others can’t.
Transparent
But not vulnerable. You share a lot/freely share, but don’t emotionally attach to anything you’re sharing. Not really. (Very few, if any, people get this about you. They think you’re all warm and fuzzy. And you’re not cold per se, more like emotionally anesthetized). When you do try to share, you’re painfully indirect and people miss you and your message amidst all the disclaimers you offer.
Vulnerable
Well, more willing to be selectively vulnerable anyway. Yes, you still hedge vulnerability a lot – but you’re warming to the idea as you continue to experience the increased connection that comes with this new way of being. You feel comfortable being a bit more direct when sharing your needs and tender feelings with others, and don’t offer as many disclaimer statements.
Tired
Worn the hell out, but soldiering on. People depend on you, so you can’t afford to be tired. If you’re honest, being this tired all the time is turning you so bitter, you’re not sure you could enjoy a break even if one was offered.
You’re Still Tired
But it feels like the normal kind of tiredness now (you still have a full life after all), not the burdened kind you felt before. You feel safe asking for and receiving help and prioritize taking care of yourself as much as others, sans the guilt.
FAQ
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I’m often gentle when I challenge clients, but I am passionate and perhaps even a bit forceful when it comes to this: if you want to work on it, it’s eligible for therapy. If it’s bugging you enough to want to work on it, you can. If it matters to you, then it’s allowed to take up space – both yours and mine.
If it matters to you, then it matters to me.
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Appointments are $295 per 50-minute session and can be paid with cash, check, or card (including FSA & HSA). Extended sessions are prorated accordingly.
I believe in keeping my practice relatively small (like – between 10-12 clients a week as opposed to the 20-30 many therapists will see) so you will get really individualized and intentional work with me each time we meet.
A small caseload ensures that I’m taking care of myself so I can be my best and most available self when I’m with you.
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I have chosen to work with my clients, not for their insurance companies. As such, I am not in-network with any insurance companies.
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Superbills require a diagnosis and diagnosing just isn’t compatible/in alignment/in integrity with the way I practice IFS. Because I’m always looking for the valid story under the “behavior” or “symptom”, I don’t consider my client’s problems evidence of an illness or disease to be treated or cured.
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I see clients on Monday-Friday in the mornings and afternoons. I meet with clients once a week, or more if desired, but never less. Standard sessions are 50 minutes and are generally scheduled for the same day/time each week. Extended sessions (75 and 90 minutes) may be available.
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I have found that outcomes are best when clients can commit to meeting weekly. I have tried meeting less frequently with clients for financial reasons in the past and felt it negatively impacted the care and value the client was receiving.
As disappointing as it is to not work together, I believe you will be better served by working with a therapist you can see as frequently as needed, as opposed to one whose fee would cause you financial hardship.
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TL;DR: as long as you want.
My hope/goal is for you to eventually trust your ability to take care of all parts of yourself. How long this takes can vary quite a bit and may depend on the types of experiences that brought you to therapy in the first place. For some clients, this takes six months. For others, it’s a few years. Many of my clients find they value working with their internal systems collaboratively, even after they’ve moved past the initial thing that brought them to me in the first place.
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My office is in Ballwin off Kehrs Mill and Clayton Road. I strongly prefer to meet clients in-person, but do offer virtual sessions as well.
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I do not. I excel at working with women in their 30’s and 40’s, and won’t see anyone under the age of 18. Reach out via my contact form and I’m happy to send a few referrals of people who do great work with minors.
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Under the law, health care providers need to give patients who don’t have insurance or who are not using insurance an estimate of the bill for medical items and services. This is called a Good Faith Estimate.
You have the right to receive a Good Faith Estimate for the total expected cost of any non-emergency items or services. This includes related costs like medical tests, prescription drugs, equipment, and hospital fees.
If you receive a bill that is at least $400 more than your Good Faith Estimate, you can dispute the bill. Make sure your health care provider gives you a Good Faith Estimate in writing at least one business day before your medical service or item. You can also ask your health care provider, and any other provider you choose for a Good Faith Estimate before you schedule an item or service.
Make sure to save a copy or picture of your Good Faith Estimate.
OKAY OKAY
IT MATTERS TO ME – WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
Don’t talk yourself out of this. You know you want to figure this out, and you know you can’t do it alone.
Schedule a free, 20-minute consultation. You view my availability and request a time that works for you.
Check your email. I’ll send you back a questionnaire to complete ahead of time.
