An IFS Therapist in St Louis Shares: How Do I Prepare for IFS Therapy?
I’ve been making more of an effort to cook lately. It’s something I enjoy but haven’t been prioritizing as much in the last few years while we’ve added two kids to our family.
Like most families with young children, instead of cooking (at all, never mind from scratch), we’ve been opting instead to exist primarily on make-ahead-at-home freezer meals and curating a list of prepared freezer staples from Costco. And that’s been fine - some seasons of life require you to choose convenience items.
However, now that my kids are a bit older (*ahem*, 2 and 4. Let’s be real, they’re not that old - I just don’t have an INFANT right now) I can get back to some light cooking - only now, it requires some intentional preparation. Gone are the days I can get inspired for dinner at 3 pm and make that thing that day. Nope - I am full-on meal planning and grocery shopping a week at a time, my friend.
Speaking of readiness, let's talk about another area that benefits from this kind of intentional preparation: starting therapy.
I know, I know - it’s a shit segue, but bear with me. As an IFS counselor in St. Louis, I rely on analogies and metaphors whenever I'm explaining IFS to clients. Why? Because thinking in multiplicity (where the mind is seen as having various parts with distinct roles, emotions, and characteristics) doesn’t come naturally to us. Using metaphors or analogies helps us better understand the overall concept.
I picked cooking to discuss how to prepare for IFS therapy because when I think of preparation, my automatic association is meal prep. When I’m cooking, I like to prepare in generalities (what are the ingredients I need, how do they come together, will I be using the stovetop or the oven? etc) and only dig into the specifics once I actually start cooking. This approach applies to therapy too. Just as you wouldn't start cooking without some basic understanding of the recipe, it's helpful to have a sense of what to expect before diving into therapy.
How Do I Prepare for IFS Therapy?
I think one of the best ways to prepare for IFS therapy is to do a little research on the approach to see if it is a way of thinking you would be willing to try. Willingness to try is the biggest indicator of being ready for IFS and I find that knowing a little about what to expect from a new experience is the best way to increase that sense of willingness.
Side note: before you get turned off by the word “research”, I don’t mean academic journals. Think of it more like perusing cookbooks in Barnes and Noble - skimming through a bunch to find one that seems like a fit for your family.
To begin perusing the internet for info on IFS, I’d recommend starting with this page on my website. However, the truth is that many of us find there's a gap between reading about something and experiencing it directly. For example, while I can read instructions on making bread dough, observing someone demonstrate the proper kneading technique for achieving the right elasticity offers a deeper understanding (shoutout to YouTube tutorials).
As both a client and a therapist, I learn the most whenever I get to observe real IFS work, and I’m happy to say there are plenty of corners of the internet now where you can get a peak behind the curtain of a real IFS session. These include demos between two IFS therapists practicing the model, as well as a session between Dick Schwartz (the founder of IFS) with someone new to IFS.
How Do I Prepare for an IFS Session?
After you’ve found an IFS therapist and scheduled your first session, I’d suggest reading more about what to expect in an IFS therapy session.
Next, it's essential to complete all intake paperwork - and ideally, to do so about one to three days before your first session. This ensures I have time to review and prepare, allowing us to maximize our session time for meaningful conversation.
During your actual session, feel free to bring a beverage and a journal if you like, although they are not required. Once you arrive, take a seat in the waiting room, and I'll greet you and escort you to my office. We'll begin by going over some mandatory disclosures outlined in the Informed Consent document, followed by diving into what you hope to achieve from our sessions.
For ongoing sessions, there's no prescribed method to start. However, here are some common practices among clients:
Sharing updates on recent events or experiences, though it's okay to skip this if it doesn't align with your focus for the day.
Reflecting on internal changes since your last session, including shifts in perceptions or behaviors.
Identifying parts discussed in previous sessions and recognizing how they've manifested in your life since then.
Revisiting your therapy goals and assessing progress, adjusting them as needed.
To be more specific, though, there are certain IFS questions to ask parts to help you find your way in choosing what to focus on in an IFS session. Just find a thought or behavior you’d like to know more about and try out some of my favorite IFS questions for protectors:
What do you need me to know/understand/hear?
What is your role or job in my life?
What are you trying to do for me?
What are you hoping to accomplish?
What do you think/believe would happen if you weren’t there to do this job for me?
When/where/why/how did you get this job?
Do you like this job?
If you haven’t done IFS before, you probably won’t know the difference between a protector part and an exile - and that’s okay. Just write down the answers to the questions or anything else you notice and bring that with you to the session - your therapist will help you move forward from there!
What Are the Steps in IFS Therapy?
Now that we've covered how to prepare for an IFS therapy session, let's talk about the steps involved in the process itself. Drawing on our cooking analogy, think of these steps as the ingredients that come together to create a flavorful dish. Just as each ingredient plays a crucial role in a recipe, each step in IFS therapy contributes to the overall healing journey.
The Six 6 F’s
The 6 F's of IFS serve as a roadmap for navigating internal landscapes in therapy. They guide individuals in developing a relationship with their internal parts by identifying their parts, getting to understanding their part’s perspectives, emotions, and experiences, understanding the role each part plays, and preparing the system for emotional release and healing.
These 6 F’s are most commonly used when we are working with protector parts: managers and exiles.
Find: In IFS therapy, the first step is to find the different parts within yourself. This involves becoming aware of the various sub-personalities or parts that make up your internal system. Finding these parts is crucial for understanding your inner dynamics.
Focus: After finding your parts, the next step is to focus on them - actively noticing them. This means turning your attention toward a particular part, acknowledging its presence, and being curious about its thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
Flesh Out: To "flesh out" a part is to explore it more deeply. This step involves delving into the history, memories, and experiences associated of a particular part. This is also where we tend to learn about the unique role each part plays in our inner world. By understanding the backstory of each part, you can gain insight into why it exists and how it has contributed to your internal landscape.
Feel Toward: this is about noticing our stance towards the part and inviting it to notice us as well. Paying attention to the quality of the relationship helps us experience the part as separate and distinct from other parts of us, and from ourselves.
Befriend: "Befriending" a part is a central concept in IFS therapy. It means approaching each part with Self-Energy which is full of things like curiosity, compassion, and clarity. Instead of seeing parts as problems to be eliminated or controlled, IFS encourages individuals to build a relationship with each part, much like you would with a friend. Befriending helps create a sense of safety and trust within your internal system.
Fear: The last step, "fear," involves addressing any fears or concerns that the part may have. Often, parts are created to protect you from harm or emotional distress. By understanding the fears that drive these protective parts, you can work toward resolving them and finding more adaptive ways to meet those needs.
The Healing Steps
The healing steps are another fundamental process in the arch of IFS work. These are primarily used when we are working with exiled parts.
Establish Self-to-Part Relationship: This step involves establishing a compassionate and trusting relationship between the Self—the core, compassionate aspect of the individual—and the various parts of the psyche. Through this connection, individuals create a safe space for exploration and healing.
Witnessing: Witnessing is - well, exactly what it sounds like - witnessing. It’s allowing the part to show you or tell you about the experiences that lead to the burdens (painful/difficult emotions, beliefs, thoughts, etc) the part carries.
Retrieval: Exiled parts are often stuck in painful places in the past, unable to leave until they get what they needed at the time. Often, though not always, they wish to be retrieved from a painful, dark, or scary place and taken to a new place in the internal work.
Unburdening: Unburdening is the release of the emotional, cognitive, somatic, and even relational burdens carried by a part.
Invitation: Once their burdens have been removed, there is space available to take in feelings, beliefs, and qualities that there wasn’t room for before.
Integration: Exiled part have often been kept hidden or locked away in the system. Integration is bringing the unburdened exile back into the system and reharmonizing the system with the restoration of the exiled part.
Intention: Often, clients and their parts wish to set intentions for how to maintain close contact after moving through the healing steps as the internal system shifts and recalibrates.
Appreciation: Lastly, after any piece of work with the parts in a system, we offer appreciation for the role they play and for being willing to engage with us.
Phew - okay. That was a bit of a crash course through the basic “steps” of IFS therapy. It can be a lot to digest, and even more to attempt this work solo - which is why I always recommend starting IFS work with a guide.
How Do I Get Started with IFS
If you're ready to give Internal Family Systems therapy a go, but wondering where to start - no problem - I got you. Step one is finding yourself a solid IFS therapist. Let’s break that down into two parts: finding an IFS therapist, and finding a solid IFS therapist.
Finding an IFS Therapist:
Fun fact - not all individuals who label themselves an "IFS Therapist" use the term in the same way. The first thing to look for is someone who has been trained by the IFS Institute.
According to the IFS Institute, “Anyone who has not completed the IFS Level 1 Training, at a minimum, cannot effectively or in good faith practice IFS psychotherapy.” How do you know if they’ve been trained by the institute? A few ways:
Utilize the IFS Institute's provider directory available on their website. Therapists listed here have completed at least Level 1 Training, a prerequisite for inclusion.
A caveat: while the IFS provider directory is a valuable resource, it may not feature all trained therapists, as participation is optional. Therefore, consider it as a starting point rather than a comprehensive list.
Checking the therapist's website or professional profiles like PsychToday. Institute-trained therapists will typically mention their certification or completion of Level 1, 2, or 3 (often seen as “L1”, “L2”, and “L3”) training from the Institute.
If you have a specific therapist in mind, but they aren’t listed in the directory and you don’t see certification or mention of Level 1, 2, or 3 training, you can simply ask what training they have received in IFS.
Finding a SOLID IFS Therapist
Speaking of asking questions…I'm a firm believer that for IFS therapists aiming to excel, diving deep into their own IFS therapy is non-negotiable. I don’t think there is any substitute for IFS therapists consistently working with their own internal system and parts - it’s an essential practice for effectiveness. However, this aspect of a therapist's practice may not be externally demonstrable or able to be quantified, so when you're checking out therapists, don't shy away from asking if they're doing their own IFS therapy and consultation, and how they integrate their experiences into their professional practice. It's not just a checkbox; it's about knowing they're fully committed to their growth and bringing that depth to their practice.
Final Thoughts
And that wraps up our crash course in preparing to start Internal Family Systems therapy - completed with a complimentary cheesy cooking analogy. Much like preparing a meal, getting ready for IFS therapy involves browsing cookbooks (low-key trolling therapist websites for a few months) until you feel inspired. Then it’s all about following the recipe (or in this case, deciding on a skilled IFS therapist). Whether you’re a woman dipping your toes into the world of IFS or a therapist diving deeper into your practice, remember that the key ingredients are curiosity, courage, and a willingness to explore your inner landscape. All the rest will unfold along the way.
