The Two Most Important Things You Don't Know About Yourself (But Should)
The coffee is cold, a lukewarm echo of the ambition you felt brewing this morning. You tap your foot impatiently, the fluorescent lights of the waiting room buzzing overhead. Glancing at your watch for the tenth time, a familiar knot tightens in your stomach. This interview was supposed to be your chance to shine, yet here you are, gripped by a suffocating self-doubt.
"Next candidate," the receptionist drones, shattering your internal monologue. You stand, a wave of nausea washing over you. This isn't the first time your nerves have sabotaged an opportunity. You're tired of feeling like a prisoner in your own mind, perpetually at the mercy of unseen forces.
Your phone buzzes in your pocket – a lifeline? With trembling fingers, you unlock it and frantically search the internet. "How to overcome interview anxiety," "Top tips for success," the headlines scream back, but none address the root of the problem. Just as despair threatens to engulf you, a new article snags your attention: “Tired of Your Inner Critic Being a Jerk? The Secret to Unlocking Your True Potential (and Crushing That Interview).” A sardonic snort escapes your lips. Maybe, just maybe, this article has something different to offer.
(Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.) A quick scan reveals the better-than-average click bait title is weighed down by the same tired advice – "take a walk in nature," "love yourself more," "hydrate!" You roll your eyes.
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Good news for you, though: THIS article actually DOES have something new to offer. Buckle up, because this won’t be your average self-help blog. Forget the "vision board your dreams" and "manifest your ideal life" mantras. We're diving deeper.
Because guess what? There's a way to break free from this cycle of self-doubt (or any other behavior, habit, or feeling you feel trapped by). Not with generic platitudes, and not by analyzing your behavior: by identifying two of the most important things about you: your core motivation and your core fear.
The Two Biggies: Motivation and Fear
I’m not one to bury the lead so I’ll cut right to the point: most people have zero clue WHY they do what they do - not with any real accuracy, anyway. We stumble through life on autopilot, reacting to situations with a vague sense of "because I should" or "because that's just me." Sure, sometimes we try to answer the why questions. We might tell ourselves, "I want that promotion because it means security," or "I people-please because I don't want to disappoint anyone." But these are often surface-level answers, justifications we accept without truly digging deep.
The truth is, our behaviors are driven by powerful, unseen forces – our core motivations and fears. And, within all of us lies a multitude of parts - like sub-versions of ourselves, each with its own voice and perspective. These parts operate beneath the surface, often outside our awareness, until we take the time to notice.
Spoiler alert: Surface-level explanations don’t cut it. You might tell yourself you procrastinate "because I'm lazy" or snap at a colleague "because they're annoying." These explanations feel true on the surface, but they don't address the root cause. Imagine trying to fix a car engine based on the sound it makes. You might guess it's a loose belt, but without truly understanding the problem, you could waste time and miss the real issue.
The keys to meaningful and lasting internal shifts in our behaviors, emotions, and thoughts are 1) identifying our parts and 2) understanding them with accuracy. Why does that part procrastinate? Is it a scared part trying to avoid failure, a rebellious part resisting pressure, or something else entirely? Understanding the part's core need allows you to address it effectively.
The same goes for snapping at a colleague. Is it an angry part feeling disrespected? A protective part trying to set a boundary? Without accurately understanding your parts, you're stuck reacting to the internal puppet masters of your feelings instead of guiding your own actions.
So - how do you identify your parts and understand them with accuracy? You integrate the Enneagram with Internal Family Systems Therapy, naturally.
The Enneagram
The Enneagram is like a personality map, with nine distinct types that each have their own unique driving force and biggest nightmare. This framework sheds light on core motivations and fears and provides clarity since the same behavior can be driven by different forces.
Take procrastination, for example. A Type One (The Reformer), motivated by a core desire for perfection and a deep fear of being wrong, might have a part that procrastinates because they're overwhelmed by the need to get it exactly right. They might spend hours researching and planning, paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake.
On the other hand, a Type Seven (The Enthusiast), driven instead by a core desire for excitement and a fear of being trapped or bored, might have a procrastinating part who does so because the task seems tedious or uninspiring. They might flit from one project to another, avoiding the commitment and focus required to complete the task at hand.
The Enneagram helps you identify these underlying forces and understand the unique dance between your core motivation and core fear. This deeper understanding allows you to approach your parts with greater compassion and find strategies to manage them effectively.
Internal Family Systems Therapy
Internal Family Systems therapy, on the other hand, equips you with the framework to establish and develop your relationship with these parts. It helps you to identify and communicate with your parts with compassion, allowing you to address their underlying needs and ultimately create harmony within your inner system.
This integration of the two (Enneagram + IFS) unlocks a powerful path to self-awareness and lasting change. You'll move beyond surface-level justifications and understandings and tap into the deeper forces that truly drive your behavior.
Enneagram & IFS: A Match Made in Therapy Heaven
Now, let's flesh out how this pairing might work. Obviously, I’m a big fan of IFS and have written a lot about how IFS works, what to expect in an IFS session, and examples of IFS parts. But here's the cool part about adding in the Enneagram: knowing your type can actually give you some clues about the kind of parts you might find in your internal system. Here are a few examples:
The Reformer (Enneagram 1): Driven by a deep need for integrity and a desire to make the world a better place, they might have a part that's very detail-oriented and passionate about doing things "right". While this part can ensure high-quality work, also be overly critical, both of themselves and others, due to the fear of imperfection reflecting poorly on their character. IFS therapy can help them soften their approach and cultivate self-compassion.
The Achiever (Enneagram 3): Fuelled by a desire for success and recognition, they might have a part that's all about setting goals and achieving them, often presenting a polished image to the world. The parts drive for external validation stems from a core fear of worthlessness or failure and while it’s drive for excellence can be a strength, it can also lead to feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or like they’re never good enough. IFS therapy can help them uncover and work with that ambitious part, while alsobut also connecting with and nurturing other parts that might crave authenticity or deeper connections.
The Loyalist (Enneagram 6): Craving security and belonging above all else, they might have a part that's very loyal and seeks approval from others, stemming from a core fear of being without support or guidance. This part often helps sixes be a great friend and excellent team players, but it can also lead to anxiety around making decisions for fear of being wrong or ostracized. IFS therapy can help them develop a strong sense of inner trust and autonomy, allowing them to feel secure even when faced with uncertainty.
The Peacemaker (Enneagram 9): Motivated by a desire for harmony, nines often have a part that readily goes along with others, even if it means sacrificing their own feelings, needs, or preferences. This part stems from a core fear of separation or disconnection and therefore craves peace and connection. It can be a great mediator, but it can also lead to feelings of resentment or a disconnection from their own desires. IFS therapy can help them identify their needs and desires, and develop healthy boundaries to navigate relationships with greater authenticity.
Knowing our core motivations and fears can help us become outside observers to our behaviors. And being positioned as an outside observer also positions us to notice that behavior as an expression of a part of us, and not manifesting from the core of who we are. Cool, right?
Enneagram & IFS: A Match Made in Therapy Heaven
Intrigued by now? I knew it! BUT - before you go Googling "what's my Enneagram type?" and get lost in a sea of "find your Enneagram type" quizzes, remember:
The Enneagram isn't about rigidly fitting yourself into a box based on external behaviors. It's a bottom-up approach – a tool for self-discovery that starts with understanding why you do what you do.
And IFS isn’t about fixing problems or eliminating the parts of you that seem problematic. It’s about reworking the relationship you have with those parts, so you can help them shift into their naturally valuable states.
If you really want to ditch the self-help clichés and dive into the real stuff, here’s your next steps:
Finding Your Enneagram Type:
Self-discovery, not tests: The best way to discover your Enneagram type is through self-exploration. Read descriptions of all nine types, focusing on core motivations, fears, and behaviors. Trust your gut – the type that resonates most deeply is likely your match. The Enneagram Institute offers a wealth of information.
Books for deeper exploration: I always recommend "The Essential Enneagram" by Daniels and Price and "The Road Back to You" by Cron and Stabile as great intro reads to discovering your type.
Podcasts: Explore both IFS and the Enneagram with "The One Inside: An Internal Family Systems (IFS) podcast" by Tammy Sollenberger. Her series with Joan Ryan explores how the two models work together. Here is part one of six. (I know - six episodes, but trust me, once you start, you won’t have any trouble finishing. It’s that good.)
Finding an IFS Therapist
Look for IFS Institute training: They set the gold standard for IFS therapy. A therapist with this training will effectively guide you through the IFS process. Here's how to find them:
The IFS Institute Directory: This lists therapists with Level 1 Training or higher (https://ifs-institute.com/practitioners).
Therapist websites/profiles: Look for mentions of IFS certification or Level 1, 2, or 3 training (L1, L2, L3) from the IFS Institute.
Don't hesitate to ask: If unsure, inquire about their specific IFS training.
And - if you live in Missouri, you’re in luck! I see clients in person in the St. Louis area and virtually throughout the state. Learn a little about who I work with, who I am, and the nitty-gritty details (location, cost, etc).
Embracing the Journey
This isn’t a quick fix approach - mainly because it’s not about fixing at all, remember? Integrating these two models is a journey of self-discovery that takes time and commitment. But, the more you learn about yourself, the more empowered you'll become to create the life you truly desire.
