Why You Do What You Do
Ever find yourself thinking, “What the hell is wrong with me?” Of course you do. And don’t get me wrong - you’re quick to get off that thought train because who knows where it might lead. But damn if it doesn’t crop up every time you…
…promise yourself you won’t open that bottle of wine tonight.
You had a glass last night, after all, and you’re trying to cut back. But it’s been a day, and before you know it, you’re two and a half glasses deep into that bottle of Meiomi Pinot Noir, folding laundry when the guilt and doubt start to creep in. “Why can’t I just keep this one promise to myself? Maybe I don’t have as much control as I thought.”
…open your credit card statement in disbelief, only to be reintroduced to all those “harmless” Amazon orders
The same cozy sweater in two colors, the skin serum that TikTok swears by, the Target haul that started with just one thing. Each purchase felt like a little lift at the time, but now, staring at the total, your stomach twists. You think about the money you said you’d save, the budget you swore you’d stick to, and wonder why you always end up back here.
…realize you’ve been replaying every interaction from a night out with friends, again.
Obsessively checking texts, overanalyzing whether your jokes landed or if they’ve had enough of you. “Do they actually like me? Or am I just convenient to have around?” And part of you knows it doesn’t even make sense to feel this way, that you have no real reason to doubt them—but the feeling’s there anyway, gnawing at you, which has you wondering if maybe something is wrong with you.
And not knowing what else to do, you shove those thoughts down and keep going, refocusing on being “better”—more disciplined, more responsible, more of whatever you think will fix you. But no matter how much you try, that feeling that something’s just off never really goes away, does it?
The Patterns That Feel Like Proof
Each of these habits feels like proof that something’s wrong with you. Proof that you’re missing some core quality—discipline, self-control, self-esteem—that everyone else seems to have figured out. But what if these patterns aren’t evidence of your shortcomings? What if they’re just signals from parts of you that are stuck, trying their best to help but without the tools they really need?
Drinking
You think the fact that you can’t stick to your “just one glass” rule means you lack willpower, that you’re somehow weak. Each time you end up pouring that second (or third glass) while folding laundry, shame whispers that if you just had a little more self-control, this wouldn’t be happening.
But what if this pattern actually means something else? What if that glass of wine isn’t about weakness but about a part of you that’s trying to protect you from the stresses you carry around, day after day? A part that believes the wine is the only way to create a buffer, to soften the edges of your day. This part doesn’t lack discipline; it just doesn’t know another way to give you relief. It’s doing the best it can with what it knows, unaware there might be a better, healthier way to help you unwind.
Spending
You feel like your impulsive shopping proves that you’re irresponsible, that you’re throwing money at things to try to fill some bottomless void. Each time the credit card bill arrives, there’s that familiar sinking feeling that you’re out of control, that if you just had better priorities, you wouldn’t keep making the same mistakes.
But what if the spending isn’t about irresponsibility at all? What if it’s driven by a part of you that genuinely believes these purchases can bring comfort or confidence, even if only for a moment? This part doesn’t see itself as reckless—it sees itself as a helper, giving you little bursts of joy or a feeling of newness to offset the weight of everything else. It’s stuck in this cycle because it doesn’t know how else to meet that need for comfort and stability.
Relationship Insecurity
You assume that the way you second-guess every interaction means you’re insecure, that you’re somehow flawed or needy for craving so much reassurance. After each date or night out with friends, when you start overanalyzing every comment, every response, it feels like proof that you’re too much, that no one could really want to stay close to someone who’s this high-maintenance.
But what if this self-doubt is just a part of you that learned a long time ago that being liked equals being safe? A part that’s scanning for danger signs, trying to protect you from rejection or abandonment. This part doesn’t actually believe you’re unlovable; it’s just scared that if it doesn’t keep watch, you’ll end up hurt. It doesn’t see another way to keep you safe, so it fills your mind with doubts and checks, trying desperately to prevent the pain it thinks is always around the corner.
See, these things that frustrate you about yourself? They’re not signs of a fatal flaw. They’re simply signs that certain parts of you are stuck in protective roles, doing what they’ve always done to keep you afloat. They’re so convinced that these behaviors are necessary for your survival that they can’t see the harm they’re causing, and can’t imagine there might be another way.
It’s not that you’re broken or lacking discipline. It’s that you haven’t yet had the chance to show these parts of you that there’s a way to feel safe, loved, and whole—without the wine, without the spending, without the second-guessing.
The Real Struggle: Not Knowing Another Way
So, if this rings true, you might feel both relief and frustration right now. Relief, because maybe these patterns aren’t proof of a flaw but of parts of you trying to protect you. Frustration, because you still feel stuck. Alright, if these parts aren’t “bad” or “wrong,” how do I actually change?
You’ve probably tried “fixing” these habits by sheer force—resolutions, routines, self-control. But these parts don’t just go away because you tell them to. They’ve been in these roles for so long, they can’t see beyond their own coping methods. The drinking, the spending, the overthinking—they’re all trying to keep you safe, to soothe or shield you in ways they think are essential.
But what if there was a way to work with these parts instead of fighting against them? What if you could meet these parts with understanding, showing them that there are other ways to keep you safe—ways that don’t leave you feeling guilty, anxious, or out of control?
Changing the Patterns by Changing the Approach
Imagine this: instead of silencing or shaming these parts of yourself, you could begin to actually listen to them. That part of you that pours the extra glass of wine could learn to feel calm without it. The part that fills your Amazon cart could find comfort that doesn’t come in a cardboard box. The part that’s desperate for reassurance could feel secure without constantly checking if people still like you.
This isn’t about willpower or discipline. It’s about meeting these parts of yourself, understanding what they’re trying to protect, and giving them new options—ways to support you that don’t leave you feeling ashamed, empty, or more disconnected than before.
Finding a Therapist Who Gets It
If you’re tired of repeating these patterns and ready for something deeper, you might realize that this work goes beyond simple habit-breaking. You need a guide who understands that these behaviors aren’t flaws—they’re survival strategies from parts of you that are doing their best. Someone who can help you meet these parts with curiosity instead of criticism, allowing you to step into a role of leadership in your own life.
A therapist who understands this kind of work can help you shift from feeling divided against yourself to feeling whole. They can guide you through meeting each part, understanding what it truly needs, and supporting it in a way that finally aligns with the person you want to be.
Ready to Finally Feel Whole?
Finding a female therapist near you who understands the complexity of these patterns - a counselor/therapist who specializes in working with women who will guide you beyond surface-level fixes - can transform how you see yourself. The right fit isn’t just about finding someone to talk to; it’s about working with someone who knows how to help you break these cycles for good.
If you’re ready for a breakthrough re: things that frustrate you most about yourself - reach out.
I offer IFS therapy online and in person for individuals, women, and therapists who live in Missouri.
