What Is IFS Therapy?
Cycling between numbing out and lashing out? Keep reading.
You’ve been the rock for everyone—except yourself. On the outside, it’s all smiles and "I’ve got this." On the inside? You’re screaming for a break, but you keep going because what are you gonna do, quit?
You might be running on fumes—but hey, that’s still technically gas in the tank, right?
Maybe. But that feeling? The one where you’re two seconds away from either screaming at your partner or booking a one-way flight to Cancun? It’s not exactly optimal, is it?
Neither is numbing out shopping Instagram, snapping at the people you love, or holding it together while everything inside you unravels. But here’s the thing: none of this is going to change unless you do something about it.
This pattern—numbing out and lashing out—it’s not because you’re lazy, or selfish, or broken.
It’s certainly not because you’re not trying hard enough.
It’s because there’s a whole world inside you that’s been screaming for your attention. And that’s exactly where Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy comes in.
So, What Exactly is IFS Therapy?
Forget everything you think you know about therapy. IFS isn’t about fixing you because, frankly, you’re not broken. What Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy does is see you as a complex, layered human with an entire internal system of “parts.” And these parts? They’re like a dysfunctional family reunion going on inside your head. You’ve got the overachievers, the critics, the party crashers, and the ones who just want to numb out and avoid everything.
Here’s the twist: Every single part is doing its job—trying to protect you in the only way it knows how. They just don’t always get the outcome they’re aiming for. Sometimes, the very thing they’re trying to prevent—whether it’s pain, failure, or rejection—ends up being exactly what they cause.
But beneath all that noise, there’s something deeper: the Self. Think of it as the calm, wise CEO of your internal world. The goal of IFS therapy isn’t to push those parts out of the way but to listen to their concerns, understand what they’re trying to protect you from, and help them feel safe enough to relax. When that happens, they naturally let your Self take the lead, bringing clarity and balance to your life.
Meet Your Parts: The Inner Cast You Didn’t Know Was Running the Show
So, let’s talk about these parts. Because chances are, if you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or on the verge of flipping your kitchen table, some parts of you are working overtime to keep everything in check. They’re not “bad,” they’ve just been carrying more than their share of the load for a long time—and it’s exhausting.
1. The Managers
Manager parts are the planners, the strategists—the ones who want everything to go according to plan. They’ll do anything to avoid chaos or disappointment, which means they’re usually behind that voice telling you to keep editing that email for the tenth time or pushing you to overextend yourself with people-pleasing.
Managers think they’re keeping you safe from rejection, failure, or anything uncomfortable, but the more they push you into perfectionism and overthinking, the closer you get to burnout.
2. The Firefighters
Firefighters parts are all about immediate relief. When emotions get too hot to handle, they rush in to put out the fire. Why you find yourself scrolling Instagram for hours or buying things you don’t need—it’s probably a Firefighter part trying to distract you from whatever feels overwhelming in the moment.
Firefighters aren’t concerned with the long-term. Their only goal is to make the pain stop right now. Numbing out with TV, eating that tub of ice cream, disappearing into distractions—that’s how they get the job done. Sound familiar?.
3. The Exiles
Exiles are the parts of you holding onto what you probably think of as “emotional baggage”— those deep wounds from the past. The times you were hurt, felt rejected, small, or unworthy. They carry heavy feelings like shame, sadness, and fear, which is why your Managers and Firefighters work so hard to keep them locked away.
But here’s the thing: these parts need healing, not hiding. Until you get curious and start listening to them, those same cycles of protection and avoidance will keep repeating.
How Does IFS Therapy Actually Work?
IFS therapy isn’t about sitting on a couch and just talking about your week (though, hey, we can do that too). It’s about finally dropping the act. No more pretending everything’s fine when it’s not.
And it’s definitely not about pointless venting or complaining.
In an IFS session, we’re not here to just rehash what’s stressing you out—we’re here to actually do something about it. We’re going to talk to the parts of you that are freaking out and find out what they need.
We’ll start by identifying a part that’s giving you trouble—say, that Manager part that has you working 60-hour weeks because it’s terrified of failure. Then, we’ll actually engage with it. I’ll guide you to listen to that part instead of being run by it. And guess what? When you start listening, those parts will tell you what they need. Spoiler: it’s not actually more to-do lists or another distraction binge.
Why IFS Therapy Might Be Exactly What You Need
You’ve been down this road before. The self-help books, the yoga classes, even other attempts at therapy — but nothing seems to stick, right? That’s because most of those solutions only scratch the surface. They don’t get to the root of the problem.
IFS does. It helps you understand the why behind your behaviors and emotions. You don’t need another quick fix. You need to connect with the parts of you that are begging to be heard.
Here’s what IFS can help you do:
Break Relationship Patterns: You know that feeling of always being the one who fixes things? Or that low-level resentment bubbling up because no one seems to “get it”? IFS helps you stop carrying everyone else’s emotional baggage and start focusing on your own.
Feel Like You Again: Instead of being driven by that frantic, perfectionist energy, you’ll feel calmer, more grounded, and more connected to your true self.
Take Back Control: No more waiting for others to change so you can be happy. IFS empowers you to shift your locus of control back to where it belongs—with you.
How Long Does IFS Therapy Take?
Here’s the truth: IFS isn’t a quick fix—and it’s not meant to be. Real change takes time, and the kind of transformation you’re looking for? It’s not something you can fast-track or check off a list.
Yes, you might feel some relief after the first few sessions. You’ll probably breathe a little easier, maybe even for the first time in years. But here’s the thing—that relief? That’s not the finish line. It’s the starting point. It’s what happens when you finally stop fighting to keep your head above water. Once you can mother-effing breathe, that’s when the real work can begin.
The real transformation happens when you stop thinking of therapy as a way to “fix” yourself and start treating it as a relationship with yourself. You’re not broken, and there’s nothing to fix. What you’re doing is investing in yourself—your heart, your soul, your time—so you can finally let go of everything that’s been holding you back. The relief is real, but the deep work is what changes everything when you’re ready to commit.
You’ve Tried Everything Else—Isn’t It Time to Try You?
You’ve been waiting for something to shift—for life to get easier, for people to step up, for the overwhelm to finally stop. But deep down, you know that waiting isn’t going to change anything. Not until you decide it’s time to take control.
The parts of you that have been managing, fixing, and numbing? They’ve been running the show because you’ve had no choice but to keep going. But there’s another way—one where you start listening to yourself, trusting your own needs, and putting your well-being first. When you finally do that, everything shifts.
No more waiting. No more hoping someone else will change so you can feel better. You have the power to take the reins and start living the way you want to. The question is, are you ready?
I offer IFS therapy online and in person for individuals, women, and therapists who live in Missouri.
