A Tale of Two Parts: A Case Study Based on Real IFS Sessions
How Internal Family Systems therapy helps everyday people navigate everyday life
Sarah, a whirlwind of energy and ambition, bursts through my office door for our weekly therapy session. Her usual infectious smile is replaced by a furrowed brow, the telltale sign of an internal battle brewing. Coffee clutched tightly in her hand, she collapses into the chair opposite me, a sigh escaping her lips that speaks volumes.
"Okay," she begins, her voice laced with frustration, "This shouldn't be this hard. I just need to pick a school for Ethan, but I’m feeling so torn I can’t commit one way or the other."
A Busy Mom’s Dilemma: Torn Between Logic and Anxiety
A successful entrepreneur and mother of two, Sarah is no stranger to juggling a million things at once. But this time, even her formidable skills were no match for the internal conflict raging within her over what seemed like a simple decision.
I lean in, curious. 'What's making it so tough, Sarah?' I ask gently.
'It's like my brain is in a tug of war with itself,' she starts, pinching the bridge of her nose. 'NO - it's more than that. It's like…my brain has split into two bickering toddlers, each with their own non-negotiable school choice. One keeps screaming about efficiency and convenience, the other…well, the other just keeps whining that it doesn't feel right, but can't quite explain why!'
A defeated sigh escapes her lips. 'For weeks I've been going in circles, making pros and cons lists until my brain feels like it's gonna explode. And now I'm further away from a decision than when I started!'
As Sarah spoke, a familiar pattern emerged in my mind. This wasn't just a simple case of indecision. I recognized the hallmarks of a classic internal polarization - two parts of Sarah's system locked in a fierce tug-of-war, each pushing for a different outcome. This wasn't about logic or practicality anymore; it was about deeper needs and underlying fears.
A smile tugged at the corner of my lips. This was exactly where Internal Family Systems therapy for women could shine. By helping Sarah identify and understand these activated parts, we could move beyond the frustrating stalemate and empower her to make a decision that resonated with her whole self.
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The rest of this article will unpack the specifics of my work with *Sarah (see disclaimer at the end) and her internal system around this topic. We'll meet the key players in her internal system, understand their motivations, and see how, through IFS, Sarah was able to bridge the gap between these warring parts.
Understanding Sarah's Inner System
The Two Sides of Sarah's Brain: A Case Study
Like all of us, Sarah's system is a vast and complex organization made up of many parts. At the beginning of our session, we identified the two parts of Sarah that were particularly invested in the school decision, which she named Overfunction and Overexplain.
Efficiency vs. Intuition: A Clash of Priorities
Overfunction, a tireless problem-solver, craved efficiency and aimed to minimize inconvenience for everyone. Sarah described this part as being like a personal Marie Kondo, constantly optimizing for a life that "sparks joy" à la minimal mess and wasted time.
Overexplain, on the other hand, was the master justifier. It acted as Sarah's internal advocate, meticulously constructing elaborate (though always polite) arguments to ensure her needs were championed, both within her own mind and in the outside world.
Individually, these parts were naturally valuable assets. Overfunction kept Sarah's business and family life running like a well-oiled machine. Overexplain ensured her needs were visible to and prioritized by those around her. But when it came to this decision about choosing a school for her son, their well-intentioned efforts were creating a bit of a power struggle.
The School Choice Battleground
Location, Location, Location: Why Convenience Wasn't Enough
With the activated parts identified, it was time to zoom in on the specific battlefield: choosing a school for Ethan. Two schools emerged as frontrunners, both equidistant from their home in terms of driving time. However, location played a crucial role:
School A: Located in the opposite direction of Sarah's usual errands and her work.
School B: Conveniently situated in the same direction as everything else, including her work and her younger child's daycare.
Overfunction, the efficiency champion, was lobbying hard for School B. Not only was it closer to their daily routine, but it also presented a tantalizing opportunity: there were some swanky office condos literally next door to the school. In Overfunction's ideal world, Sarah could move her office there, creating a time-saving utopia where school drop-offs, work, and childcare seamlessly intersected. It was the ultimate logistical dream.
"Whenever I imagine this as my new norm come September though," Sarah admitted, a furrow etching itself between her brows, "it just doesn't feel right somewhere. There's this nagging feeling like a tiny voice whispering in the back of my head. Logically, it seems perfect. But on a deeper level, it just...doesn't sit right."
Sarah's discomfort, while seemingly illogical on the surface, held valuable information. It was a sign that Overexplain, the other part who felt it had skin in this game, was trying to be heard.
Unmasking the Deeper Issue: Fairness in Sarah's Marriage
The Price of Harmony: Sarah's Silent Sacrifice
The truth, as it turned out, was far more complex than a simple school choice. Overexplain wasn't fundamentally opposed to School B itself. In fact, if it were just about the school, Overexplain would have readily endorsed it.
However, with its laser focus on efficiency, Overfunction wasn’t just eyeing the office condos next door - she was mentally decorating every square inch. For Overexplain, however, this inevitable relocation was a disaster waiting to happen - and that filled Sarah with a subtle, yet palpable sense of anxiety.
With the office mere steps away, Overexplain envisioned a future where Sarah became the default pick-up and drop-off parent by sheer convenience. More importantly, it saw its ability to advocate for a more balanced division of childcare duties with Sarah's husband utterly vanish. The potential office move became a symbol of a much larger battlefield – the ongoing war for fairness within Sarah's marriage.
And that was the key. In essence, Overexplain was playing a long game. It wasn't about winning the battle over School B; it was about a much larger war for fairness within Sarah's marriage.
This seemingly disparate conflict over school choice began to hint at a deeper underlying issue.
Beyond the Power Struggle: A Vulnerable Voice
Sarah’s Internal Exile: A Shrinking Violet
With the internal tug-of-war between Overfunction and Overexplain fully exposed, a deeper truth began to emerge. Through the lens of IFS therapy, a hidden part of Sarah's system became visible – the "Dysmorphic Needs Girl" as Sarah referred to her.
This exiled part held a significantly distorted sense of self. She saw herself as enormous, like an oversized balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, yet believed she should take up about as much space as a grain of sand. In reality - she had no idea how big or small she actually was - instead, she was overwhelmed by a paralyzing fear of being rejected or ostracized for being “too much trouble”. This fear manifested in a tendency to shrink back and minimize her needs, leading to a constant state of self-sacrifice.
How Overfunction and Overexplain Were Trying to Help
“The key wasn’t silencing one voice or the other, but facilitating a conversation for them to reach a compromise that resonated with Sarah as a whole.”
Overfunction and Overexplain, though at odds currently, were both ultimately trying to protect this scared little girl from shrinking into oblivion. Overfunction strove to create a life where her needs never inconvenienced anyone, ensuring her place in the world remained secure. Overexplain fought to make her needs heard and justified, hoping to avoid the dreaded rejection.
And fully unpacking the internal conflict between Overfunction and Overexplain highlighted the complexity of Sarah's situation. Neither part was inherently wrong; they simply had different priorities driven by a desire to protect Sarah's well-being.
The key wasn't silencing one voice or the other, but facilitating a conversation for them to reach a compromise that resonated with Sarah as a whole.
Silenced No More: Sarah Makes Her Decision
How to Heal a Shrinking Violet
By recognizing these different parts and their motivations, Sarah found an internal spaciousness to step into that wasn’t there before. The path forward regarding the school decision became clear. Here's what that looked like:
Appreciating her Protectors: Sarah first expressed gratitude to Overfunction and Overexplain for their tireless efforts. She acknowledged their dedication to keeping things running smoothly and ensuring her needs were considered. This appreciation helped these parts feel valued and made them less likely to resort to extreme measures in the future.
Unburdening the Exiled Needs Girl: Sarah's next step was to heal the wounded little girl within. With newfound compassion, she embraced the Dysmorphic Needs Girl. Sarah acknowledged the little girl's fear of rejection and listened as the little girl told her how past experiences informed her beliefs about herself.
Together, they explored those past experiences, creating a safe space for the Needs Girl to release the emotional weight she'd carried for so long. Sarah, a pillar of support, helped her let go of the pain tied to those memories. It was a gentle healing, a chance to finally shed the burden.As this weight lifted, a transformation unfolded. The Needs Girl, lighter and stronger, began to see herself differently. Sarah helped her understand that her needs were not only valid, but essential. There was no shame in wanting to be seen and heard. Empowered by this unburdening, the Needs Girl stepped into the present, ready to actively participate in future decisions, her voice now strong and clear.
Co-creating a Solution: With her internal team functioning as a cohesive unit, Sarah felt empowered to make an informed decision. She opted for School B, acknowledging its undeniable logistical advantages. However, she didn't stop there.
“This approach, anchored in IFS work, wasn’t about imposing a pre-determined solution, but rather about empowering Sarah to address the root cause of her internal conflict.”
Enlightened by the understanding of the Dysmorphic Needs Girl's concerns, Sarah initiated a conversation with her husband. She expressed her anxieties about potentially becoming the default pick-up and drop-off parent due to School B's proximity. This open communication opened the door to a collaborative solution for sharing childcare responsibilities more equitably.
This approach, anchored in IFS work, wasn't about imposing a pre-determined solution, but rather about empowering Sarah to address the root cause of the conflict and facilitate a conversation within her marriage. This newfound ability to communicate openly paved the way for a solution that addressed the needs of everyone involved. They could now navigate future challenges together, adapting as needed to ensure everyone's well-being.
Turning Inside: Going Beyond the Surface
More Than Just a School Choice: Uncovering a Distorted Self-Image
Sarah's session wasn't simply about finding a school for Ethan; it was a profound journey of self-discovery. Through an IFS therapy session, she unearthed a hidden world within, a battlefield where well-intentioned parts clashed, each yearning to protect a vulnerable little girl.
This internal conflict wasn't a bug in Sarah's system, but a powerful signal. It revealed a distorted self-image, a belief that her needs were a burden, and a fear of rejection that whispered from the shadows of past experiences.
With unwavering compassion, Sarah embarked on a healing quest. She embraced the exiled Needs Girl, offering solace and understanding. Together, they explored the emotional baggage of the past, releasing the burdens that had kept her voice silenced for so long.
The Ripple Effect: Communication, Collaboration, and a Stronger Family - Internally and Externally
This inner transformation rippled outwards. Empowered by self-acceptance, Sarah stepped into the present, her voice clear and confident. She advocated for her needs, not with a fight, but with a newfound strength born from self-compassion. This shift paved the way for open communication with her husband, leading to a collaborative solution for their family.
Could IFS Therapy Help You?
This case study is just a glimpse into the transformative power of IFS therapy. And while Sarah’s story is unique - her struggle is extraordinarily…common. If you see yourself in Sarah's story, there's immense hope. IFS therapy isn't about silencing the voices within, it's about listening to their messages with compassion. Imagine a world where your internal struggles become a source of guidance, not conflict. Imagine the power of making decisions that feel truly aligned with who you are.
Whether you're struggling with self-doubt, relationship issues, or simply a nagging sense of unease, IFS therapy can be the key to unlocking a more authentic and fulfilling you. This work isn't just about one decision or one problem; it's about experiencing a profound shift in how you relate to yourself.
If you live in Missouri and are curious about IFS, I offer free 20-minute consultations to explore if we're a good fit to work together. We'll explore your unique situation and determine if I can be your guide on your path to self-discovery.
*Disclaimer:
This case study is a fictionalized account based on a composite of experiences encountered in therapeutic practice. The characters and situations portrayed are not based on any specific individuals or actual therapy sessions. While the situations and struggles may be relatable, the specific details are not representative of any single client.
