How to Set a Boundary (Without Feeling Selfish)
You know you should set boundaries. The internet won’t shut up about it.
But every time you try, some part of you shrinks, like you just committed a felony.
The guilt. The over-explaining. The backpedaling. The way you immediately soften your stance the second someone so much as raises an eyebrow.
And before you know it, your “firm” boundary dissolves into a watery puddle of “I mean… if that’s okay with you?”
It’s not that you don’t know how to set boundaries. It’s that every time you try, a part of you is screaming don’t be selfish. And before you can even process it, you’re backpedaling, over-explaining, trying to make sure no one gets upset—even if that means you will.
And I get it. You learned somewhere along the way that asking for what you need makes you a problem. That saying no makes you unlikable. That putting yourself first makes you cold—when really, it just makes you a person with a spine.
But here’s the truth: If saying no makes you feel like a bad person, something is deeply broken—and it’s not your boundaries (or you).
It’s the system that taught you that your likability matters more than your limits.
One day, you’ll choke on the words “I don’t mind”—for real this time. Your throat will close. Your chest will seize. You’ll reach for someone—eyes wide, panic rising—waiting for them to realize you can’t breathe. But no one will move. No one will even notice. Not because they don’t care. Not because they’re cruel.
But because you taught them not to.
You’ll suffocate, quietly, in a life you built by making sure no one else ever had to be uncomfortable.
Yeah… let’s talk about how to stop doing that.
Why Setting Boundaries Feels Impossible Right Now
Boundaries don’t start with what you say. They start with what happens inside you when you even think about saying them.
Start Therapy in St Louis, Mo
If setting boundaries makes you feel selfish or anxious, you're not alone. I support women just like you in setting healthier boundaries and cultivating closer connections using Internal Family Systems therapy. You can learn more by exploring my blog or contact me through my client portal!
Because the truth is, setting a boundary isn’t just about choosing the right words. It’s about whether, in that split second before you speak, you believe you’re allowed to have that limit in the first place.
And that? That’s where you freeze. Not because you don’t know what you need to say, but because some part of you is already bracing for impact—already calculating how to soften it, smooth it over, make sure no one takes it the wrong way.
You think you struggle with boundaries because you don’t know the right words. You tell yourself, If I could just phrase it better, if I could just make them understand, it wouldn’t be so hard. But the real reason? The second you even think about setting a boundary, your body rings the alarm.
Your heart races. Your throat tightens. Your stomach knots like you’re about to step onstage and forget all your lines. The words hover on your tongue, but some part of you grips the emergency brake and yanks hard—no, don’t do it, it’s not worth it.
Because deep down, you don’t think of boundaries as protection - you think of them as potential losses.
And loss is what it felt like, wasn’t it? The first time you tried to say no, someone made you pay for it. The first time you dared to have a need and got told you were difficult. The first time you asked for something and felt the shift—the coolness, the distance, the subtle punishment for no longer being easy. So you adapted. You learned how to be low-maintenance, agreeable, likable.
Not because it felt good.
Because it felt safer.
You told yourself it was just who you were—easygoing, flexible, the one who doesn’t make a fuss. Which is why you’ve spent your whole life worrying about what might happen if you set a boundary. But have you ever considered what happens if you don’t?
The First Step to Setting a Boundary
You think boundaries create distance—because people get upset, pull away, and act like you’re asking for too much.
But what about the other kind of distance?
The kind that creeps in slowly, built from exhaustion and quiet resentment. The way you disengage from conversations because you just can’t deal with or avoid their calls and dread their texts, feeling irritation rise at the sight of their name and the sound of their voice.
Yeah, that’s distance, too.
And it’s not happening because you’ve set too many boundaries. It’s happening because you’ve had too few.
Real connection can’t exist without limits. It just can’t.
Because a relationship without boundaries isn’t just a close one—it’s erosive. And by definition, erosion means that eventually, there won’t be anything left to connect to.
So, what’s the first step? Redefining what a boundary actually is.
You’ve been thinking of boundaries as something that pushes people away. But a real boundary has staying power - for both of you.
Because without boundaries, someone always disappears.
And if it’s never them…? Well…
The Internal Shift You Need to Make Before You Even Try to Set a Boundary
Now, you probably think the hardest part of setting a boundary is saying it.
It’s not.
The hardest part is not undoing it the second you start to feel guilty.
Because if you set a boundary while still believing it makes you selfish, you won’t hold it. You’ll soften it. Over-explain it. Second-guess it. And the second someone pushes back—even a little—you’ll fold. Not because you don’t mean it. But because some part of you still believes that setting a boundary makes you a bad person.
That’s why the real work isn’t just in saying the boundary. It’s in unhooking from the beliefs you hold that make you sabotage it.
Before you can set a boundary, you’ll need to shift how you experience boundaries internally.
Try This Instead: When you feel the urge to set a boundary, don’t rush to say it—pause and notice what’s happening inside you. Ask yourself:
What part of me is afraid to say this?
What does this part believe will happen if I follow through?
What am I making this mean about me?
Then, Take One Small Internal Step Instead of an External One:
Instead of practicing how to say the boundary, practice how to hold the feeling of setting one.
Instead of focusing on whether they’ll accept it, focus on whether you can accept that you’re allowed to have it.
Because boundaries don’t start in conversations. They start in your nervous system.
What to Expect When You Start Setting Boundaries
Now - we need to talk about what happens when you actually try this, because whether you realize it or not, you’re probably expecting some kind of growth montage moment.
You set your first boundary, the screen cuts to a highlight reel of you confidently standing your ground, having deep, respectful conversations, and feeling like a brand-new person—all while some inspirational indie folk song plays in the background.
But real life doesn’t work like that. There’s no montage. No fast-forward button. No easy fade-to-black where the hard parts get skipped. You have to live every second of it. And the reality is that the majority of those seconds? They’ll either be boring or uncomfortable - because growth isn’t a highlight reel.
So - what’s the BTS going to be like?
You will feel guilty and/or unsteady. And you’ll assume it’s because you’re doing something wrong, but it’s actually because you’re doing something new. And when that guilt or insecurity creeps in, your first instinct will be to make it go away. You’ll want to soften your words. Offer more explanation. Make sure they’re not upset. Backpedal. Convince yourself that it’s easier to just handle it yourself.
But if “doing the work” is going to actually work, you have to be doing the right damn work.
And your work isn’t boundaries—it’s getting your sea legs.
Because boundaries will shift things. They will rock the boat. Not because you’ve done something wrong, but because relationships are dynamic.
And if you put your focus into vice-gripping your boundaries—bracing while waiting for everything to level out and stay perfectly still—you’re going to exhaust yourself trying to force stability where there is meant to be movement.
Your work is learning how to stand. How to hold yourself steady enough to tolerate the normal rhythms of the waves instead of mistaking them for signs you should turn back. Because balance isn’t about making the waves stop. It’s about finding your footing while they move.
And when you do, you won’t have any trouble holding boundaries (or hell, flexing them with integrity instead of self-abandonment, but I digress).
So—how do you actually “do the work” and practice sitting in discomfort instead of scrambling to make it go away?
Well, if you did have a montage of growth, here are some clips I’d expect to see there:
Notice the tension in your chest when they sigh in disappointment—and stay with it instead of backpedaling.
Let the text sit unanswered when they push back, instead of sending a softened follow-up to smooth things over.
Watch their face shift when you say “no” and resist the instinct to take it back, justify, or over-explain.
Resist the magnetic pull to send a “just checking in” text to make sure they’re not mad.
Those are the moments where it happens. Not in theory, not in inspirational montages, but in these small, day-to-day-real-life, gut-clenching decisions. And there's no shortcuts. No magic words. No perfect version of this where nobody gets upset and you never feel uncomfortable. There's only stepping forward - or shrinking back.
So - what's it going to be?
