What Faerie Smut Can Teach You About Anger
*spoiler alert warning for those who haven't yet read A Court of Thorns and Roses and A Court of Mist and Fury*
A quick recap of what brought you here this morning:
You hurled the dirty, crusted-over dishes against the wall instead of loading the dishwasher. Shards scattered like glass fireworks, and you stood there, heart pounding, fists clenched. For a split second, everything was silent except your own ragged breath and the weight of the moment.
Here’s what I need you to know: you’re not crazy - you’re cornered.
And that tightening in your chest? That fire in your gut that's about to explode again? She’s a rebel standing tall inside you. She’s an insurgent at the gates with a battle cry: no more. It’s not chaos—it’s clarity wrapped in defiance, and she is demanding a revolution.
If only the rebel was on your side, right? But your rebel didn’t get the memo—it feels like she’s working against you, not for you.
Your anger looks like senseless rage - but what if it was...solidarity?
What if it was the rebel inside you, who has been simmering with quiet, lethal fury as it's watched you deteriorate these last three years, unable to bear your suffering anymore. Every muscle tense, trembling, she whispered no more—so quiet it froze the room before erupting.
Anger BTB: Before the Bond
Anger looks like the antagonist in your story—like Rhysand all the way through A Court of Thorns and Roses and the first 53 chapters of A Court of Mist and Fury. But that’s only because you’re Feyre, and you haven’t had your Chapter 54 moment…yet.
If you know, you know, and you don't need me to recap - but I’m going to anyway. And if you don't know - go read it first (it's a quick 1,043 pages).
Chapter 54 is when Feyre finally sees Rhysand clearly, and it shifts everything. Rhysand starts off as the dangerous wildcard, the villain she misjudged. But as the truth unfolds, he’s revealed as the one who endured the impossible to protect her, fighting for what mattered most while she misunderstood him the entire time.
The truth is, your anger is your Rhysand. Misunderstood, judged harshly, and yet essential to your story.
And the Feyre/Rhysand arc isn't just a storyline - it's a lens for understanding your most challenging emotions, like anger.
Anger as a Signal Emotion
Here’s the thing: Anger isn’t just rage bubbling up in a pressure cooker. It’s what I call a signal emotion—a flare sent up by your internal system, alerting you that something’s off. Maybe your boundaries have been trampled, or maybe your emotional bandwidth is at zero, and you’re still trying to pour from an empty cup.
Anger says: "Pay attention!" But because you’re used to dismissing it, you may shove it down until it explodes—or worse—you mislabel yourself as "too much" for feeling it at all.
Anger isn’t here to break you—it’s here to direct your attention. It’s a flare sent up in the darkness, marking where something important needs you. Like a spotlight sweeping over a stage or the flash of contrast dye on a scan, it’s pointing you to the hidden part of your life that’s crying out for care. You’re not meant to stay in the heat—you’re meant to follow it, to find the need it’s trying to reveal.
The Forced Proximity Trope, But Make It Internal
In romance novels, forced proximity between characters often leads to confrontation, revelation, and eventually—resolution. Your anger works the same way. It forces you into close quarters with parts that can't seem to get your attention otherwise.
But instead of following where anger is trying to lead you, you probably ignore it. After all, nice women don’t rage. They accommodate, mediate, and sacrifice for the greater good. *barf*
Your internal Rhysand—the "bad" guy you’ve been avoiding—isn’t here to burn everything down. He’s here to advocate for the parts of you that can't get heard out, calling your attention to their distress and whispering (sometimes with a little menace): "Hey—this part needs a word with you."
Chapter 54: Your Turning Point
In Chapter 54, Feyre finally learns the truth—that Rhysand’s actions, though hard to understand at first, were meant to protect her, not harm her. That’s the moment she stops resisting and realizes he’s not the antagonist—he’s been her advocate all along, pointing her toward the truth she didn’t want to see.
Your anger is the same. It’s not trying to ruin your life—it’s urging you to pay attention to the parts of you that need care, the ones that have been suffering in silence. What if, instead of pushing it away, you followed where it led? You might discover truths like:
"You’re saying yes to everyone but yourself."
"You’re giving more than you have, and it’s costing you."
"You’re afraid to set a boundary because you think they’ll stop loving you."
Like Rhysand, anger can feel scary, intimidating and...well,* *bad* at first. But when you follow its lead, it becomes your fiercest ally—the one that helps you shift from survival to strength, rewriting your narrative and never going back.
The Trap of “Keeping the Peace”
One of the biggest misconceptions about anger is that expressing it means you’re creating conflict. In reality? You’re not creating anything—you’re just engaging with what’s already exists.
"Okay, Karissa", you say, *"*and what about when thoughts like ‘Why the f*** am I the only one who gives a damn and keeps this whole f**ing mess together I hate everything and everyone I'm outta here!’ are what exist?"
Yeahhhh - those are what I mean by signals. And that one? It's probably signaling a deep unmet need for recognition, support, rest, or simply the connection that comes from validation that xyz feels hard because it is hard.
Avoiding conflict to "keep the peace" isn't preventing a battle - it's calendar forwarding a war. Your anger doesn’t (really) want chaos—it wants change. And it's asking you to finally engage with the truth of what is instead of pretending it's not.
How to Befriend Your Inner Rhysand
This isn’t about flipping tables or screaming into the void (though sometimes that feels great). It’s about recognizing that your anger is data, not danger.
Try this:
Pause and Notice: When you feel the burn of frustration, don’t push it away. Pause and ask that feeling: *What do I need to know about why I'm upset right now?"
Name It: Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” say what you’re really feeling. I might start with pissed off, mad, furious etc. But if you keep going, you might get to realities like overwhelmed, unseen, exhausted, or hurt. Those are the data we're looking for - anger is just the messenger sometimes.
Take Up Space: Your needs matter. Say them out loud, even if your voice shakes.
This process helps my clients transform anger from an emotional outburst into valuable, actionable information they can use to understand and meet their needs. When you stop running from your signal emotions and start decoding them, you move from surviving to thriving.
Your Chapter 54 Moment
Feyre didn’t step into her power by staying silent. She learned how to listen—to herself, to her instincts, and to the truth behind the pain of Rhysand's story. You can, too.
You might be thinking, "I get it—but where do I even start?" That’s exactly what anger hopes you’ll ask. Because once you stop fighting it and start listening, everything changes.
Your Chapter 54 moment? It’s coming. And if you’re ready for guidance through that shift, you’re in the right place.
Start Working With a Therapist for Women in St. Louis, MO
I specialize in helping women like you relate to your emotions in ways that strengthen you instead of shame you. I also offer support for therapists as well! I know what it’s like to feel like you’re fighting alone—and how empowering it is to finally have someone who gets it.
Let’s rewrite your story together. As an IFS therapist who often works with women on their anger, I’ll help you turn your signal emotions into your greatest strengths—and your life into something that feels like yours again.
