#selfcare is a Scam
I really hate when I see a social media post with #self-care in the caption. Please no. Just no. Because #self-care is such a scam.
#Self-care is a Scam
Okay, maybe it’s a not scam in the sense that no one is pretending to be a Nigerian Prince while really trying to steal all your money. But the hashtag-able movement filled with social posts falls so far short of really conveying what true self-care is that it feels like a scam to me. The act of taking care of yourself, however, is not.
Part of the problem with all the social posting about self-care is that it makes it harder to discern what it means to actually care for yourself because everyone and their Aunt Sally is posting about their #selfcare
your sister posts a story, capturing a quick artistic shot of her massage table with crisp white sheets, an oil diffuser, and ambient lighting #selfcare
your cousin posts a picture in a weight room wearing perfectly grungy-cute workout clothes with just the right amount of sweat on her brow to convey she’s working out – while also looking cute enough for a selfie #selfcare
your neighbor posts a photo of a beach scene with a cute water bottle, sunglasses, and the latest YA novel – or better yet, the latest trending self-help book #selfcare
your daughter's piano teacher posts a picture of a masterfully completed adult coloring book page with a super inspiring quote in the caption #selfcare
your barista snaps a shot of her freshly manicured toes peaking out of a mountain of bubbles in the bathtub, complete with lighted candles and a sprig of eucalyptus hanging from the faucet* #selfcare
My frustration with these kinds of posts is that they accidentally imply that the pictured activity is the self-care. But those activities are not always self-care...and yet, sometimes they are. Hang with me.
Let’s say, for example, I decide to get a two-hour massage. Sometimes, that’s me, caring for myself. But sometimes, it’s a way to pamper or treat myself. But pampering and treating myself is not always caring for myself, and sometimes, calling it self-care is a creative way for me to justify the indulgence. And sometimes? It can be straight-up avoidance or even neglect.
Defining Real Self-Care
Here’s my point: like most things in life, self-care is totally relative. It’s individual and it’s subjective. Getting a massage or prioritizing workouts are not universal exercises in self-care because the activity itself is just that – an activity. It’s neutral. A massage is not inherently self-caring. It’s the intention behind, motivation for, and the result of an activity that determines whether or not something is self-care.
So – how can you determine whether something is going to be an effective way to take care of yourself?
First, try asking yourself:
"If my overall sense of well-being could be measured by a gas tank gauge, how full is my 'tank' feeling these days?"
If your answer is full – ask:
What things are contributing to my sense of being full?
--> Keep doing more of those things
If your answer is “half”, “quarter”, “running on fumes”, or “the fumes ran out three days ago and I'm actually not sure how I'm still going” – ask:
Where am I feeling depleted, heavy, worn down, or worn out in my life?
What is contributing to that sense of depletion/heaviness/exhaustion?
What would counter my sense of depletion?
Once you’ve got a potential option in mind, examine it further through the following questions:
Where did I get the idea that this was self-care?
How will this care for me?
What part of myself is this taking care of? (Is this caring for myself emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, relationally, spiritually, etc.)
What need does this meet?
Self-Care is Subjective
Sometimes, we care for ourselves by doing things that feel good to do like getting massages or planning a vacation. Sometimes, we also care for ourselves by doing hard things like getting our butts out of the bed in the morning to go to the gym, or making time in our schedule for therapy, or sticking to a budget to finally get out of credit card debt.
Sometimes, there are even deeper levels of self-care like working through the internal obstacles that keep us from speaking up for ourselves, asking for a raise or promotion, being honest about how we feel with our partner, sharing hurt feelings, ending a relationship, starting a relationship….you get the idea.
In the end, the best self-care activities are things that either move us toward where we want to be or, when we’re happy with where are, help us stay there.
