Why You Keep Thinking About Divorce and How to Break the Cycle
You think about divorce a lot for someone who likes being married.
The clock warms you it’s 1:08 am - you should be sleeping, but your mind won’t turn off. Instead, it’s fantasizing about a life where you don't feel so…trapped. Stuck. Utterly exhausted from pretending everything's fine.
You replay tonight's argument again.
It started with a stray sock on the floor, spiraled into old accusations, and ended in a stony silence. Crawling out of bed, you tiptoe through the dimly lit house, picking up toys and folding laundry, keeping busy to distract yourself from the heaviness in your chest…the weight no one seems to notice. His dismissive tone and defensive words echo in your mind, your bitterness replaying in an endless loop.
Why You Keep Thinking About Divorce
Resentment simmers beneath the surface, a constant threat. You juggle work deadlines, the kids' activities, and the household chaos with a smile plastered on your face, but inside, you know you’re a ticking time bomb, ready to explode. You desperately need a moment of peace, a reprieve from the constant emotional drain that leaves you questioning if it's worth it.
You don’t want to implode either.
“I shouldn’t feel so unhappy and irritable all the time,” you tell yourself, “and I definitely shouldn’t be thinking about leaving so much - I love my family.”
You don’t know this yet - but the thought of packing your bags isn’t about wanting to leave him; it’s about escaping the accumulating pressure inside, the relentless cycle of the same unresolved arguments.
Couples Therapy Didn’t Work
You went to couples therapy for three or four sessions last year, but their interventions felt like pouring a cup of water over a desert and hoping a lush paradise would bloom: futile. Date nights and “I feel” statements are woefully insufficient against the vast emotional drought you’re facing.
Your friends have no idea anything is wrong. You lie awake, feeling more alone and stuck than ever, wondering if anyone sees the real you or understands the quiet desperation that fills your nights.
How to Break The Pattern
With a sigh, you reach for your phone. You’re not expecting much - Google searching for solutions to problems this deep feels almost laughable - but you’re not sleeping either and there’s nothing left to clean, so you do it anyway. Your fingers move mechanically as you type, "How to know if you want to get divorced," "Feeling trapped in my marriage even though I love my husband," "Relief from constant arguments."
You scroll through the results, skepticism and exhaustion protecting your heart against thinking you’ll find anything remotely helpful. The screen illuminates your face in the darkness and you wonder if there's any real help out there, or if you're just wasting more precious energy on hopeless dreams. Then, one headline catches your eye:
“It doesn’t matter who is the problem in your relationship: You can be the solution.”
You hesitate for a moment, the words stirring something deep inside. Against your better judgment and fearing it’s just bullshit clickbait, you open the link.
And as you read - it starts to happen…
“You can change your marriage without dragging your partner to therapy.”
A warmth in your chest.
“The opportunity to transform your relationship exists within you, even without your partner.”
The tension in your shoulders and jaw…softens.
“This isn’t about blaming yourself or taking on more than your share—it's about realizing that real change in a relationship can start with one person.”
And easing of the low-grade panic, wondering if things will ever get better.
Hope.
“You aren’t as stuck as you think you are.”
Hope.
And that hope equates to freedom, power, agency - the ability to DO something about what’s bothering you. It’s priceless.
Internal Family Systems Therapy for Relationship Issues
The article introduces you to something called Individual Internal Family Systems (IFS).
“With IFS therapy,” you read “clients explore and understand the different "parts" of themselves. These parts can hold emotions, memories, or aspects of your personality that influence how you interact with your partner. By getting to know these parts and healing the wounded ones, you can change the way you respond to relationship challenges. When you heal yourself, you bring a healthier, more balanced you into the relationship, which can shift the entire dynamic.”
This makes sense to you. After all, you remember learning about ecosystems in 5th grade - the classic predator/prey scenario and being told “These principles apply to all systems”.
How Individual IFS Therapy Helps Relationship Issues
Now, as an adult, you get it. Every relationship is a system. And when one part of the system changes, it affects the whole system. “By working on yourself through IFS therapy,” the article continues, “you create a ripple effect that leads to positive changes in your relationship. You can learn to understand your triggers, communicate more effectively, and respond to your partner from a place of calm and clarity instead of pain and frustration.”
Shit. That’s not exactly what you wanted to hear (you WANT everyone else to just change, dammit)...but you know it’s exactly what you need.
So, rather than talking yourself out of it - which you know will happen if you wait until the morning, you do it. You schedule a free consultation and take the first step towards being the change you want in your marriage - hell, in your LIFE.
See you soon,
Karissa
P.S. Here are the most common questions I get from women coming to individual therapy to work on relationship issues:
Can individual therapy help with relationship issues?
Absolutely. By working on your own patterns, triggers, and responses, you can bring a healthier, more balanced version of yourself into your relationship. When you change, it creates a ripple effect, influencing the entire dynamic between you and your partner.
How does individual therapy help relationships?
“IFS therapy helps by addressing the root causes of your relational challenges, which often lie within your own internal conflicts.”
Individual therapy helps you understand and heal your own emotional wounds, which in turn affects how you interact with your partner. You'll gain insights into your behavior and learn new ways to respond to conflicts, ultimately improving communication and reducing tension. It’s about breaking the cycle of blame and resentment, allowing you to approach your relationship from a place of strength, grounding, and clarity.
What is IFS therapy?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a unique approach that helps you understand the different "parts" of yourself. These parts can have conflicting emotions, priorities for your life, or show up as various aspects of your personality. In IFS therapy, we work to bring these parts into harmony through Self-leadership
How can IFS therapy help my relationship issues?
IFS therapy helps by addressing the root causes of your relational challenges, which often lie within your own internal conflicts. By healing your internal parts, you bring a more balanced and authentic self into your relationship. This not only improves how you handle conflicts but also fosters deeper emotional connections, making your relationship stronger and more fulfilling. I’m happy to provide IFS therapy online and in person for individuals, women, and therapists.
