Civility, Connection, and Community are Dead: How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Can Help
Polarization is the new “mommy and daddy issues” of therapy.
Yeah, I said it.
And don’t fool yourself. You might think the "us vs. them" mentality hasn’t infiltrated your everyday life. After all, you’re not the one constantly arguing with people. You see people in actual conflict every day - heated debates online and loud confrontations in person. You’re not doing that.
You’re just….not showing up anymore.
NBD, right?
Wrong.
Listen - termites don’t knock before quietly destroying everything from the inside out. Homeowners rarely notice them until the foundation is already damaged.
And this avoidance strategy you’ve developed? It is a problem.
It’s poisoning your closest relationships. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.
The Strain of Constant Vigilance
Indulge me in taking a Christmas Carol approach and let’s observe you in a moment from your day-to-day life:
It’s your turn to host book club.
To be honest, it’s a miracle you’re brave enough to be in one, and you’ve been planning your month for, well, months.
First, there’s the book choice. Everyone knows not to pick something too controversial or too bland. A classic might be seen as pretentious or, worse, offensive due to outdated views. A contemporary bestseller runs this risk of being too “woke”. You agonize over the decision, finally selecting a safe, middle-ground book that you hope won’t trigger any heated debates.
Then, the discussion questions. You’re anxious about accidentally hitting a nerve with a sensitive topic. You pour over them, trying to anticipate every possible angle of contention. You draft and redraft questions, hoping to keep the conversation stimulating but not inflammatory.
On and on it goes. Hosting at home? Stressing over how your house will be judged – too messy, too neat, too lavish, too modest. If you choose a neutral location, you fret over accessibility and convenience.
Food and drinks? Trying to cater to every dietary need and preference without offending anyone. Is the menu too basic, too fancy? Too inclusive and over your budget, too exclusive but more affordable?
The date and time? Agonizing over everyone’s schedules, trying to find the perfect balance.
Every decision feels like a potential landmine. By the time the event arrives, you’re exhausted, anxious, and bracing for backlash.
And that’s just book club.
At church, a casual mention of your favorite coffee shop could spiral into a debate about ethical sourcing. Making an IG post about your progress on a new diet (sorry - “eating plan”) will likely lead to accusations of fat-shaming or promoting unhealthy habits.
(And who are we kidding - you’d never even make a post like that. You just know what WOULD happen if you did).
The world feels like a minefield, and you’re exhausted.
The relentless need to defend your choices, justify your opinions, and navigate the treacherous terrain of social interactions has you folding in on yourself. That’s the cost of constant vigilance.
You’re not arguing - you’re just living in a state of perpetual avoidance and hyper-awareness.
This is what I mean when I say the “us vs. them” mentality has seeped into every decision and interaction. It’s eroding the foundations of your relationships because you - the real you - she isn’t in those relationships anymore.
The Cost of Not Showing Up
Your relationships look fine on the surface – they’re functional and you go through the motions, maintaining the appearance of normal interactions. But underneath? There’s no depth, no substance. The exchanges ring hollow. You’re playing a role at best, molding yourself to be the least offensive version of you, depending on who you’re with at the moment.
Think about it. How many times do you avoid sharing something important because you’re afraid of the reaction? How often have you kept silent, even when your heart screamed to speak up?
The cost of your silence? Your closest relationships – the ones that should bring you the most joy, support, and connection – become sources of stress and dissatisfaction. Instead of feeling supported, you feel isolated. Instead of experiencing joy, you feel a gnawing emptiness. Instead of feeling connected, you feel resentful of all the shit you’re shoving down just to keep the peace.
You’re avoiding your true self to prevent conflict, and in doing so, you’re sacrificing authenticity for the illusion of harmony.
And yes, it is an illusion of harmony - don’t act like you don’t know it.
You may not let yourself notice it very often, but you are desperate for a safe space to breathe, to connect with others, to just be yourself.
The good news? There’s a way out of this suffocating cycle, and it starts with looking inward.
Why Traditional Approaches Aren't Working
As a society, we’ve tried being polite (which was code for sanitizing our real thoughts & feelings & self). We’ve tried avoiding contentious topics. We’ve even tried "agreeing to disagree." But none of these strategies address the underlying problem: our internal reactions to conflict, disagreement, and differences.
Oh, sorry.
*spoiler alert* Here’s the real problem: our internal reactions - not the disagreements or differences in and of themselves.
That’s what’s killing our connections and eroding our sense of community with each other.
And you? Your internal reaction to the differences and disagreements is to avoid. To make like a chameleon and blend in.
And while strategy isn’t inherently bad or wrong - that doesn’t mean it’s not hurting you either.
It’s not your fault - you were likely pre-dispositioned and then conditioned to be conflict-avoidant by nature. The fact that you live in 2024 just has you doubling down on it.
But here’s the tough pill you’re gonna need to swallow (assuming you want things to get better): just because it’s not your fault, doesn’t mean you’re not the one responsible for doing something about it.
You see, your avoidance? That’s your version of “us vs. them”. You want them to change so you can feel safe to show up. THEY are the problem and when THEY quit making it scary, when THEY quit being so damn disagreeable, then you’ll start being yourself again.
Healing Starts Within
The judgment and disconnection you fear and the resentment you feel towards others are rooted in your own unresolved issues (and yes, that works in reverse - the fear, judgments, and resentments of others towards you are rooted in their unresolved issues).
And contrary to what you’ve heard, the only way out of that isn’t through - it’s in.
Going Inside: Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
Internal Family Systems therapy offers a gentle yet wildly effective approach to shifting internal reactions to external situations - like other people's intensity, upset feelings, or outright judgments.
Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, IFS is based on the idea that your mind is made up of different parts, each with its own perspective and feelings. Generally speaking, most parts are protective by default - meaning they have positive intentions for whatever it is they do - even though most of the time, it doesn’t work out quite like they think it will.
For example: your avoidance - your hiding and not showing up authentically in relationships for fear of conflict? That’s a part, and it’s to protect you - but it’s blind to how it’s hurting you in the process.
IFS helps you identify and understand these parts, appreciate their good intentions, and help get them unstuck from the no-longer-helpful patterns of response they have (like checking out of important relationships in order to “keep the peace”).
Returning to Authentic Connections
Imagine engaging in relationships again with authenticity - no more getting hung up by your fear of being judged, attacked, or risking conflict. Picture yourself expressing your true feelings, needs, thoughts, and opinions, aware of the potential for possible negative reactions, but not letting them control whether or not you speak up.
Imagine feeling grounded and unshaken even if the negative reactions you dread manifest.
This is what you stand to gain by working on your internal reactions to disagreements, conflicts, and differences.
IFS therapy doesn’t promise that others will always understand or agree with you. It won’t eradicate differences…or other people's hard-for-you-to-tolerate reactions. What it can do is help you develop the resilience to handle those reactions.
Timely Tools for Troubling Times
As we approach another election season, societal tensions are only set to rise. But this doesn’t have to mean more division and conflict in your personal life. By embracing the principles of IFS therapy, you can navigate these turbulent times with grace and resilience.
IFS provides the tools to manage your internal reactions and approach external conflicts with a calm and centered mind. It helps you stay grounded in your values while remaining open to differing viewpoints. This not only preserves your mental health but also strengthens your relationships.
Moving Forward With IFS Therapy in St. Louis, MO
At the end of the day, you’re not as stuck as you think you are.
The world may feel like it’s pulling apart at the seams, but you don’t have to be swept away by the tide. By turning inward and addressing your internal reactions to external divisions (real or perceived), you can find the courage and confidence to stop managing the divisive climate through hiding and start letting the real you show up in relationships again. I’m happy to offer support for individuals, women, and fellow therapists alike! Visit my blog to learn more today! I would be happy to offer support from my St. Louis-based practice.
