The #1 Way You Gaslight Yourself - And How To Stop
We all know them - the “bad” ones. They’re the resentful wives, the raging moms, the irritable daughters-in-law. The micromanaging bosses, the passive-aggressive sisters, and the critical friends.
Worse than knowing them...you fear you are becoming one.
And you are desperately hoping no one notices.
You didn't start out that way though, did you? When you first stepped into your roles, you were kinder, more patient, more generous, more willing, more thoughtful, more open, more confident. You were less bitter, less judgmental, less harsh, less stressed, less angry, and less burned out.
But somewhere along the way you lost (or maybe even sacrificed) your identity to your roles, and became burdened by them instead. I know, because I hear the stories of lost and sacrificed identities from my clients every day. And just like you, they felt so alone.
The reality is that many, if not a majority, of women in their 30’s and 40’s silently bear the burden of their roles, feeling overwhelmed, trapped, and resentful of them. And - we equate those feelings with being bad. Bad moms, bad wives, bad sisters, bad friends - on and on the list goes.
And here’s the quiet part we don’t like to say out loud - but it needs to be said, so it can be corrected: If “good” moms are gentle, then harsh words can make you “bad. If “good” wives are agreeable, then angry feelings and protest can make you “bad”. If “good” daughters are sacrificial in their giving, then saying no can make you “bad”.
That, my friend, is how you are gaslighting yourself. And here’s how to stop: consider the idea that you are one woman, with many parts, all of whom are inherently good - because that changes everything.
I created Good Woman Therapy to introduce women like you to this very paradigm shift. Believing we are good inside can relieve our most common struggles by freeing us from our belief that those struggles have turned us into one of the “bad ones”.
Because *spoiler alert* the struggles were never the problem. The belief that they make us bad wives, mothers, daughters, and friends is.
So - the obvious next question: what the hell do you do with all of this? You do something called parts work - more formally known as Internal Family Systems therapy. How does it work? In a sentence - it reworks the relationship you have with yourself - and by extension, with others.
What is Internal Family Systems (IFS?)
Internal Family Systems is a model of therapy that takes principles from family therapy and applies them to an individual's internal experience. In family therapy, sessions include multiple family members and the focus is on the relationship between family members, with the intention of solving problems within that system.
When applied internally to an individual, the family = you, and the family members = your parts. These parts are simultaneously you while also not being all of you, either. Just like my sister is both fully my family, but also not all of my family.
Each of your parts has a different role to play in your life, and with those roles, come different perspectives, priorities, feelings, and needs. And - while it may not always seem like it, each of your parts has a positive and/or protective intention for you.
Identifying Parts: Noticing and Intentional Awareness
If I'm you, I'm thinking "Okay - if I'm comprised of a bunch of different parts that are like mini-personalities within, all with unique agendas re: my life - what do I do with that?" Fair question! You get to know them.
Noticing parts is the first thing I work on with clients - because it’s the first step in getting to know them. Noticing is a kind of intentional awareness. It’s the experience of being an outside observer of your own internal processes. This is how you begin to realize (if you haven't already) that we often have thoughts about our thoughts....and feelings about our feelings. Those interactions are the expression of our parts, living out their experience of our lives - much like a family around a dinner table.
And just like in an external family - there is bound to be conflict.
Because what are problems if not conflicts over different perspectives, priorities, feelings, and needs?
Doing Parts Work
The practice of Internal Family Systems therapy is often called 'parts work' - which is the practice of regarding our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as originating from 'parts'. When we do this, we create space to relate to these parts as distinct and separate from us, rather than experiencing them as manifestations of our entire identity.
And this is to our immense benefit.
For example: instead of viewing an episode of "mom rage" as a fatal character flaw or a defining trait, you can instead observe the feelings and even the regrettable expression of rage as a 'part' surfacing in response to specific stressors....like burnout from the demands of motherhood, grief over the seeming loss of individual identity, autonomy, and freedom, or hurt from not feeling appreciated.
Which is great - right? Because otherwise, the alternative sounds like this: if I have feelings of rage, that makes me a raging, bad mom - and then, ugh. Shame. So much shame and regret and guilt. Worse - there's no room to acknowledge the validity of the experiences that generated the rage, like burnout, grief, and hurt.
And what do we often follow shame with? Suppression. In this case, the proactive suppression or avoidance of anything that might lead to feeling anger so as to not let it escalate to rage and therefore, not feel any more shame. Viola! Problem solved - right? RIGHT? Yeah, we all know that doesn’t work. Not in the long run anyway.
Because, while that suppression approach makes sense on paper - in reality, it's like trying to hold a beach ball underwater for....forever. It. Ain't. Gonna. Happen.
Thank god there is another framework, another approach.
Good Woman Therapy
In my work, I approach things like:
passive-aggressive words launched at a husband
Mom-rage explosions at bedtime
"dramatic and unnecessary" anxious freak-out about hosting Thanksgiving for the in-laws
…as the expression of a good part of a good woman, stuck in a shitty spot and tasked with an impossible job.
I help my clients establish relationships with these parts, and my favorite moment, every time it happens is when their feelings towards a part shift, and they realize they are not a bad woman for having feelings of rage, resentment, irritation, stress, overwhelm, or criticism. When they soften towards themselves (aka, their parts) my clients find clarity around what they really need, the courage to take steps towards it, and creative solutions they would have never had access to.
My clients learn to accept the different perspectives, priorities, feelings, and needs of their parts without fear or shame. And, they no longer feel like there’s an inner civil war being waged between conflicting thoughts and feelings because they find a leader inside that can tend to all the parts.
If they can find it…so can you. You, too, can hold all your parts with curiosity and compassion - caring for them, instead of living your life hijacked by them or exhausted by the energy it takes to resist them.
But who is the 'you' that will be holding them?
