The Gift of Curiosity in Conflict
Conflicts are an inevitable part of life. Even the please-iest of people pleasers have disagreements from time to time, and they can happen internally with ourselves and externally with others. I've found that most of us default to one of these four approaches to conflict:
Avoid them by preventing them in the first place
Avoid them by being in denial when they happen
Resolve them by being compliant
Win them by being assertive, defensive, and non-compromising
And 10 out of 10 times, there is a hidden problem with these strategies.
Avoiding conflict and resolving it by deferring to others leads to resentment. “Winning" conflict (which is not actually a thing, BTW), often results in being misunderstood as cold, uncaring, and intimidating.
We need a better approach to conflict - and here's what I think it is: curiosity.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a declaration: The single most helpful emotion to feel when we are in conflict is curiosity. And, if we really want to get the most bang for our curious buck - curiosity is an emotion best applied to ourselves first.
Conflict and Connection
Here's the thing about conflict: the frequency or subject of disagreements may seem important at the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, those elements don’t actually matter. Conflict is an inherent part of the rhythm of connection. It highlights the dynamics and complexities of human relationships. And, its presence in a relationship doesn't determine the quality or life expectancy of that relationship. What determines the quality and durability of our relationships is how we navigate conflict when it arises, which is why that far outweighs any other factor, including frequency or subject.
So - here's the million-dollar question: When you're faced with conflict, what do you do? Do you react, or do you respond?
Reacting vs Responding
When we react, it's a knee-jerk move, an impulse that springs from our emotions without much thought. It's like throwing a punch in the boxing ring without considering your next move. Sure, it might land, but it also leaves you open to a counterattack - and you better believe throwing a punch is going to make your opponent want to hit back.
Responding, on the other hand, is a more thoughtful move. Are these just semantics? Maybe a little - but breaking it down helps to illustrate the felt difference - and that’s what I’m getting at, because that’s what matters.
I don’t play chess, but I often imagine responding to be like carefully planning your next move on the board. You first consider the possible options and their outcomes and then choose the one that best supports your intended outcome. It takes more time, but it's less likely you'll end up somewhere you didn't mean to be.
I know, I know - this all sounds good on paper - but it's not always as simple as just choosing whether we will react or respond, is it? Instead, sometimes it feels like our emotions hijack us and start reacting before we can make a conscious choice.
Honestly? That's pretty normal because most of us aren’t taught to do much else. But - it's also not the only option. Developing curiosity towards the parts of us that jump into reacting is the first step in creating the ability to respond instead of react. And IMHO, the benefit of inwardly focused curiosity cannot be overstated.
Curiosity Is an Agenda-Free Interest
Curiosity works because when it's genuine, it's truly agenda-free. Ever notice how when you're frustrated with yourself about why you do XYZ thing in conflict, you get 0% closer to figuring out why you do that thing? Or to...not doing it anymore?
That's because the part of you doing the thing you hate feels defensive; you're trying to change it before truly understanding it.
When we tap into genuine curiosity, we bring an agenda-free interest to our inner voices, impulses, feelings, thoughts - and even our outward behaviors. And, when offer that to the parts of us that show up when we're in conflict, we can learn a lot.
Curiosity Maintains Connection as the Goal of Conflict
Being curious about yourself (and eventually towards others) during conflict will automatically set the goal of conflict as restoring, improving, healing, or tending to connection. Curiosity seeks to discover why there is a rupture and how it can be mended. It doesn’t argue about whether or not the feelings of disconnect are justified.
Curiosity Helps Our Inner Protectors Stand Down
When we find ourselves in a conflict, protective parts of us may come out (remember the boxing analogy?). These parts are often anchored in feelings of fear, anger, or hurt. They mean to protect us, but often, unintentionally, make things worse.
Example: your partner makes a critical comment about something you've put a lot of effort into. Immediately, a defensive part of you might jump, wanting to protect your hard work and your pride. You might feel an urge to retaliate with a snappy comeback or a passive-aggressive remark, which will likely lead them to do the same. (In case it wasn’t obvious, this is reacting.)
But what if, instead, you pause and turn your attention inward? You might notice the sting of hurt or anger, and if you stay with it long enough, perhaps embarrassment underneath it all. If you get curious about these feelings, you might realize this snappy part of you is jumping in to protect you from feeling inadequate or dismissed.
Two things are likely to happen when you understand this. First, you're less critical of yourself for wanting to snap back when you notice the tender feelings and fears under the surface. You might even appreciate that part's feelings of protection towards you. And second, you have the option to respond in a way that acknowledges your feelings but also considers the situation from a broader perspective. You might choose to have an open conversation with your partner about how their comment made you feel while also having space to receive their feedback.
By relating to these protective parts with curiosity, we can genuinely appreciate their efforts. Their protective intentions are often rooted in past situations where you were in need of that very type of protection. More about that here.
Genuinely appreciating your snappy part will likely warm that part to you, and you can let it know that while you appreciate its intention, you don't need it to protect you like that right now. Feeling understood and valued, that part might feel safe to relax and allow you to lead the rest of the conversation with an open mind and heart, and maybe even risk a little vulnerability.
That kind of response? It’s sponsored by and brought to you courtesy of….curiosity.
And the best part is that you can create positive changes in external situations, without requiring direct involvement from others. That's true empowerment.
Curiosity Fosters Self-Healing
You know what else we can do for ourselves without needing others to be directly involved? Validation. Healing.
I know - this one can kind of suck at first. Because we really, really want other people to see where we are coming from and express their understanding of it.
But, it is actually possible to validate and heal the parts of us that feel tender: rejected, abandoned, embarrassed, or unloved. By comforting these parts, we allow for healing to take place and we free ourselves from needing others to respond to us in a certain way in order to feel okay. And - that entire process starts with....you guessed it: curiosity. Because we can't validate what we don't understand, and we can't understand what we don't feel curious about.
Getting Started with Curiosity
By this point, I hope I’ve sold you on how great curiosity is. But, before you go asking ‘why’ as frequently as my 2-year-old, let me give you one quick disclaimer: It's impossible to be curious if you’re also frustrated at or critical toward the object of your curiosity (ahem - you). It's not as simple as just asking 'why' because you can ask why in two different ways:
"WHY the HELL would I think snapping was going to help the situation?"
vs
"I wonder what I was trying to accomplish when I snapped back like that?"
Both questions seek an explanation for the behavior, but the second feels so much gentler. You can feel the interest in the second example, whereas the first comes off as accusatory.
Pro tip: a lot of this actually has to do with the use of the word “why” - it just naturally feels accusatory. If you’re experiencing defensive answers, try rephrasing the question without the word “why” (hint: sub in “what” or “how” instead).
Curiosity is a feeling state - not a performance or a script, and it can be hard to figure out how to get enough space from other feeling states like frustration or desperation if you've never done it before. Internal Family Systems therapy is centered around cultivating access to genuine curiosity toward ourselves and everything around us. It's foundational to the model of therapy, and in my experience, has been the only thing that actually makes inroads into meaningful and lasting inner growth, healing, and change.
There are lots of ways to get started on your own with IFS - books & podcasts, IFS-themed guided meditations, there’s even an IFS Guide app.
All are good options for supporting independent work, but if you wind up stuck wanting to feel curious, but unable to get there, consider working with IFS therapist or coach.
Whatever path you choose, what I most want you to know is this: there is no such thing as wasted effort when trying to cultivate a greater sense of genuine curiosity.
